Juice Cleanse

I've been thinking about doing a juice cleanse for awhile now. The past couple of weeks I've become serious about it (perhaps due to intense love of happy hours and alcohol as dinner).  So this past Monday I decided to embark on a 3 day cleanse. I picked the particular one I did due to the fact that I still got to eat solid food (if there's no chewing involved then it's not really eating).  At dinnertime I could have vegetables and a small piece of protein.

Day 1: I tried the first of 4 juices for the day - dis.gust.ing. It was at this moment I realized I don't vegetable juice (I mean I've always hated V8 juice, so why I thought I'd love kale,mint, and lemon together I have no idea). It took me an hour and a half to get through the first juice. All I wanted was some toast...or a peanut. Something. Anything. The rest of the day was solely about getting through the juices. I didn't really have time to focus on how hungry I was since I was mostly focused on how much I hated the juice. I also decided to make my 3 day cleanse a "2 day cleanse".  In the afternoon I saw a girl in the breakroom with a nutrigrain bar - almost accosted her for it (I don't even eat nutrigrain bars).  That night I went to yoga, surprisingly it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, although it required more energy than normal. When I got home, while eating my "chicken" breast and green beans I decided I needed to do the 3 days. No sense in half-assing this, I'd only be pissed at myself later. Soon after dinner I went to bed, I was starting to focus on the hunger pains too much.

Day 2: Had some weird ass dreams (none of which I remember, but lots of color and shapes), but the best sleep I've gotten in a long time. I was thinking Day 2 would be the hardest since I already knew what the juices tasted like and didn't particularly like them. However, much to my surprise, I had a lot of energy, I actually enjoyed the juices and by the end of the day I realized I wasn't tired - at.all. Not even a little bit. I felt fantastic and my insides felt super clean. Sure I had a caffeine headache (no coffee = brutal) and I was definitely hungry, but it was nothing I couldn't live with. I got it in my head that going for a run would be amazing (beautiful day).  I got about 3 blocks in and suddenly it hit me "what.the.fuck.am.I.doing?!?". I knew I needed to just focus on putting one foot in front of the other and breathing.  About halfway through the run my light headedness transformed itself into me seeing everything so clearly....like high as a kite clearly. The sky was so blue, the air was crisp, everything.was.amazing. I wondered if the juice was making me borderline insane (I was kinda already before, so it wouldn't take much). Someone was grilling out - the smell permeated every part of me, it was as if I'd never smelt anything quite like it (and I don't even eat meat). Holy Shit - I wanted Cheetos (don't eat those either). Yep. Juice was definitely making me insane..... I made it through my run, ate my food, and was in bed by 9:30 - totally exhausted and starving.

Day 3 (today): I woke up feeling good on the inside but totally sluggish on the outside. However, I feel completely calm and relaxed. No anxiety, no anger, no nothing really - just calm. Those people who go to those ashrams and just meditate and zen out and see life with so much clarity - I feel like those people (I mean don't come to me for the meaning of life or anything).  This building could catch on fire and it would take all I have in me to freak out. I just feel so.calm. On the flipside I was in the bathroom and heard someone fart and got a tinge of jealousy - there's a lot of peeing on the cleanse..not much else though. Yep. Jealous of a fart. Let that resonate a minute. I also want toast. Like badly. Really any carbohydrate will do....ok beet juice time....

The Love of My Life

Dear Tequila,
   I'm sorry I haven't seen you lately, I'm trying to lose 8 pounds and "supposedly" you will prohibit this from happening. You should know I miss you a lot though. We had a lot of good times before/during/after Christmas. But I have to be realistic that I can't be with you all the time. I also have to be realistic about how much hotter I'll be when I'm not 8 pounds obese.

Miss you. See you soon.
XOXO
Whitney

My Bad

The other day I told someone I was going straight to hell but it was OK because I love warm climates.

They just looked at me. Horrified.

Oops. Wrong audience.

F**k you Mayans

So the world didn't end on Dec.21st. Meaning I didn't die in some Day After Tomorrow Epic fashion. Instead I'm left wondering what moment will cause my ultimate demise.

Today I almost choked on an apple chip at lunch...and then the power went out. No. Joke. I wondered if that was it (wouldn't be totally shocked if instead of going out in a fiery meteor shower surrounded by zombies, God decides to let me choke on some dried fruit).

Then I got back to work and walked into a conference call with my bra strap hanging out of my shirt. It had come undone unbeknownst to me and as to not draw (more) attention to myself I just shoved it into one of the cups and proceeded.

Is my world ending? No, just another day of me being an asshole.

Leather vs Leatha

For as long as I can remember I've wanted leather pants (or for just the past 2 years, since I stopped being fat, but everything before then doesn't really count anyways).  The leather pants I want are of the Helmut Lang variety and run approximately $960.00.  I've tried to convince myself more times than I can count that they're worth the money since they're an "investment piece".  But then I look at my paycheck and laugh out loud and realize I'm obviously delusional and go on about my way. This game goes on from time to time and sometimes I actually convince myself I can afford them. But then I remind myself I still want to lose 10 pounds (maybe 15 if I've seen a picture of Gwyneth Paltrow that day), so I decide to hold off a bit longer.

...and so I wait...and wait.

Well I haven't lost the 10 yet (I think I might be down a solid 6 ounces today though - having a thin day) so I decided to search for fake "leatha" pants - the kind that don't make me look like I've been shopping at Wet Seal circa 1995.  I found some cool ones that were only $80.00 but then realized they created the sizing based off a toddler and I was going to have to upsize 4 sizes - umm. I. Don't. Think. So.

I then found some that had leatha on the front, fabric on the back. I decided I liked them...buut they were $300.00. That seems like a lot for a plastic/cotton combo. So I was back to deciding I would lose the 10 pounds and buy the real leather pants.

And then it happened. Target.com found me and saved me. They had a failed designer collection where basically everything went on sale and I ended up getting myself some brand spankin new leatha pants for $20.99. I mean WHAAAT?!? I thought about buying 2 pairs and then realized I didn't even know how they fit and for all I knew I could pull them up and they could split down the middle. So I patiently waited the 5 business day delivery period. I got the confirmation email they had arrived and screamed with joy (inside of course, I work in an office with cubbies - no one's interested in my screams of joy or really my speaking - although the other day I caught myself singing - awkwaaard).  The second I got home I put them on - euphoria - they fit and looked fabulous. OK so the waistband is a little tight (only need to lose like 2 pounds for that though) and the crotch rides up just a wee bit (a mini squat takes care of it and you get a workout in), but for leatha pants under $25.00 that don't make me look like a street walker - they're F.AB.U.L.O.U.S.

So my new goal for the actual leather pants is just to buy them when I go on tour with the Rolling Stones. Yep. Totally not delusional at all.

TMI

My mom told me the other day if she's going to get a boyfriend she "needs to get sexier sleepwear".

It was one of the few times in my life I'd wished I was deaf.

Have you ever played that game "what here doesn't belong"?

Have you ever been introduced to someone and on the outside you look as if you're paying attention, but 2 seconds later if that person asked you what their name was you'd just stare at them?

Have you ever met someone 3 times, had extended conversations, had mutual friends, heard about them multiple times and then seen them at a party and go "I don't think we've met"? No. Probably not. Because you're. not. stupid.

This past weekend I attended this fancy schmancy party. Immediately I had to repeat my fancy party mantra "Be. Appropriate. Be. Appropriate". I tend to make jokes/inappropriate comments when situations  are too serious (reeeeeal awkward at funerals).  I also tend to shout inappropriate things as if I'm a tourettes person having a panic attack, when I feel like people are taking themselves too seriously - hence my fancy party mantra.

In trying to decide what to wear I decided peplum and pearls were appropriate, so naturally I wore animal print pants - nothing says fancy like leopard spots spread across your ass. My Prada black booties were AMAZE, however, it was POURING rain outside, obviously I couldn't ruin them (see redneck run) so naturally I wore flip flops. I figured I'd just change them in the bathroom right when I got to the party. Unfortunately when we arrived we were basically IN the party. I panicked and immediately took off my shoes. It was then that the owner of the house came over to introduce himself. There I stood - shoeless, in my lime green rain jacket, and wet leopard. I handed him my bag with my flip flops and said "err thanks. Love the house".  I might as well have been wearing a sign "I. Don't. Belong - Not. Fancy".

After I got my shit together I mingled (aka: I drank heavily) and ate some food. I asked where the lil smokies and bagel bites were, but no luck - it was dip with names I couldn't pronounce with ingredients I couldn't decipher. Oh well no food = more alcohol.

Around this time she talked in. I'll just call her "Bee" (I could call her "I have shit for brains and no facial recognition capabilities" but that seems excessive). She is really good friends with one of my best friends. My friend has insisted for over a year now that Bee is a "really good person" and that sometimes she just doesn't come across the best (aka: ignoring me at her Christmas party). So for the I was determined (against my better judgement) to give her a chance. We've met several times and hey, fourth times the charm. Below is the conversation that ensued:

Bee: "Hiii, I'm Bee"
Me: "Hi"
*my friend says my name*
B: "Ohh, what's your name? I don't think we've met?"
Me: "umm, no. WE.HAVE."
B (slightly panicked at looking at my friend): "ohhhh, umm, I thought she said your name was Erin?"
Me: "uh huh, yah, NO".

Then I walked away. Over it. If you want to be a bitch - I can accept that. If you want to ignore me - then you're a bitch, but once again I accept that. If you want to act like WHITNEY, sounds like ERIN - then you're stupid and I can't be friends with stupid people.

The moral of this story: Be yourself. Unless yourself is stupid - in which case - stay home. Or move - - far far away.