Dear Ryan Seacrest,

Dear Ryan Seacrest,
I need my own tv show. It's not so much a want, more a need. For both of us.
A bit about me: I am a typical 9 to 5'er (correction 9 to 6'er, that whole "9 to 5 bit" is a major falsity, I'll write to whoever started that lie later), who feels my talents would be better served in front of the camera of my own half hour (could be an hour if the editing was done right) television show. I am willing to do almost anything on my show (well except maybe bite the head off of a pigeon a la Ozzy Osbourne, but definitely don a unitard and walk the streets of Los Angeles with a midget a la Chelsea Handler - I love love love miniatures, but that's a separate letter). I am also great with people and can chase them down in 5 inch heels if necessary (don't ask). I think alcohol is 50% of the food pyramid and carbs should be the other 50. I used to be so ugly I had to sneak up on water to get a drink. I have a dating history that rivals "Another World" (RIP). I can also have an entire conversation with an answering machine or any other inanimate object.

Call me.


P.S: I don't eat meat.


Sunday, September 18, 2011

Costa Rican Observations

I recently went on vacation to Costa Rica (amazing in case anyone wants to go). However, here are three major things I learned:

1. You can in fact get sunburned when it's cloudy.
2. One pieces were invented for a reason.
3. A good reason

One day my mother and I went to the pool (mind you it's off season so there were only like 15 of us total at the pool amidst 200+ lounge chairs), there were two...err...large-er women there. Sisters perhaps. As we passed by them I realized I wasn't 100% sure if the one was wearing bottoms. I thought for a second she might be pregnant, but given her size she would have to have been on the elephant gestational cycle.

Later she stood up. There they were, the miraculous bottoms I'd been searching for for the last hour (I'm a stare-er what can I say). She was wearing a bikini for a toddler, not Jonah Hill pre weightloss.

So this brings me to my point. Just because you CAN doesn't mean you SHOULD...and in this case that would be WEAR A BIKINI. Now this doesn't just pertain to the "baby bottoms" sister. This also pertains to the 20-somethings walking around the pool with their bikini top acting more like nipple covers and the strings on their bottoms barely tied due to lack of elasticity. You don't HAVE to wear a bikini, there are plenty of other options - tankini, one piece, boy shorts, burka....

And if you absolutely MUST wear a bikini can you at least make sure that people aren't placing bets as to when you stand if they'll see bikini bottoms or the land down under?
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