Dear Ryan Seacrest,

Dear Ryan Seacrest,
I need my own tv show. It's not so much a want, more a need. For both of us.
A bit about me: I am a typical 9 to 5'er (correction 9 to 6'er, that whole "9 to 5 bit" is a major falsity, I'll write to whoever started that lie later), who feels my talents would be better served in front of the camera of my own half hour (could be an hour if the editing was done right) television show. I am willing to do almost anything on my show (well except maybe bite the head off of a pigeon a la Ozzy Osbourne, but definitely don a unitard and walk the streets of Los Angeles with a midget a la Chelsea Handler - I love love love miniatures, but that's a separate letter). I am also great with people and can chase them down in 5 inch heels if necessary (don't ask). I think alcohol is 50% of the food pyramid and carbs should be the other 50. I used to be so ugly I had to sneak up on water to get a drink. I have a dating history that rivals "Another World" (RIP). I can also have an entire conversation with an answering machine or any other inanimate object.

Call me.


P.S: I don't eat meat.


Sunday, November 6, 2011

Wal - Mart

Aside from making me want to kill myself, Wal - Mart also makes me want to buy shit I never even knew existed.

I see those "roll back" signs and I think to myself "holy shit, stuff is still sold for under $1.00! Don't mind if I do..."

They sell canned meat for 60 CENTS, I considered buying 10 and I'm vegetarian.

A bucket for $1.29?!? I don't even know what the hell you do with a bucket short of running a car wash or stashing body parts, but I can get 4 for under $5.00!

A microwave for $39.00?!? Hell yes! I have a built in, but why not have an extra?!?

And the people?!? The people are A.W.E.S.O.M.E. I mean what other store has an entire website devoted to the people who shop there?!? It's like the friggen state fair EVERYday.

So in short my friends:

A movie: $12.00
Dinner: $50.00
canned meat, a bucket, and people who think unitards are for daytime dressing: Priceless

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