Dear Ryan Seacrest,

Dear Ryan Seacrest,
I need my own tv show. It's not so much a want, more a need. For both of us.
A bit about me: I am a typical 9 to 5'er (correction 9 to 6'er, that whole "9 to 5 bit" is a major falsity, I'll write to whoever started that lie later), who feels my talents would be better served in front of the camera of my own half hour (could be an hour if the editing was done right) television show. I am willing to do almost anything on my show (well except maybe bite the head off of a pigeon a la Ozzy Osbourne, but definitely don a unitard and walk the streets of Los Angeles with a midget a la Chelsea Handler - I love love love miniatures, but that's a separate letter). I am also great with people and can chase them down in 5 inch heels if necessary (don't ask). I think alcohol is 50% of the food pyramid and carbs should be the other 50. I used to be so ugly I had to sneak up on water to get a drink. I have a dating history that rivals "Another World" (RIP). I can also have an entire conversation with an answering machine or any other inanimate object.

Call me.


P.S: I don't eat meat.


Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Always good to know who your audience is....


This past weekend I had a FABULOUS girls night with college friends. In trying to decide what to do for the evening we settled on dancing............in the gayborhood (no one knows how to break it down like the gays).  Gay clubs are just the absolute best. Everyone dances, music videos are played, drinks are cheap (and strong), and best of all no men hit on you. When we arrived there was a line, we figured "oh we're cute girls we'll go right to the head of it!".....Fuck. Totally forgot boobs and vah-jay-jay get you no one where in this hood. So in the line we went.

As soon as we got in I heard Rihanna's "We Found Love" pumping through the walls. I nearly peed myself with excitement. When we get in I spot the dance floor, strob lights, men in cages wearing tiny leather g-strings, and men with no shirts - - - the mothership. I am home. (How come straight people don't have "shirt optional" clubs?)

We went to a drag show..I saw a man with better boobs than mine.  A man tells me "honey, he paid a lot of money to look like you".  I get what he was going for, it's almost sweet, but time to leave..... Time to get my dance on.

We make our way to the dance floor, they're playing music videos of  pop culture songs - remixed of course, complete with the trifecta: Britney, Gaga, and Madonna. It. Was. Awesome.

As we're jumping, hands in the air, shaking it I am approached by a woman who goes "Are you straight?". I hesistate, it's not that I'm unsure, more that I've never been asked this question before and am pondering what it feels like. Tip: Do. Not. Hesitate. She asks again, this time more firmly, followed quickly by "You must be straight, you're SO HOT. You're just SO hot." A few minutes later another girl approaches and I am asked the same thing. No more hesitation. She asks if she can dance with me and I tell her "thank you, but I'm with my friends". No problem. She just gets in the middle of us and starts dancing. I gotta hand it to her, girls got balls. Maybe she was hoping once I saw her moves I'd discover my inner lesbian.

It seems I'm a big hit with the ladies.......And here I always thought my audience was the gays....I'm really glad to discover I have a broader appeal.


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