TMI

My mom told me the other day if she's going to get a boyfriend she "needs to get sexier sleepwear".

It was one of the few times in my life I'd wished I was deaf.

Have you ever played that game "what here doesn't belong"?

Have you ever been introduced to someone and on the outside you look as if you're paying attention, but 2 seconds later if that person asked you what their name was you'd just stare at them?

Have you ever met someone 3 times, had extended conversations, had mutual friends, heard about them multiple times and then seen them at a party and go "I don't think we've met"? No. Probably not. Because you're. not. stupid.

This past weekend I attended this fancy schmancy party. Immediately I had to repeat my fancy party mantra "Be. Appropriate. Be. Appropriate". I tend to make jokes/inappropriate comments when situations  are too serious (reeeeeal awkward at funerals).  I also tend to shout inappropriate things as if I'm a tourettes person having a panic attack, when I feel like people are taking themselves too seriously - hence my fancy party mantra.

In trying to decide what to wear I decided peplum and pearls were appropriate, so naturally I wore animal print pants - nothing says fancy like leopard spots spread across your ass. My Prada black booties were AMAZE, however, it was POURING rain outside, obviously I couldn't ruin them (see redneck run) so naturally I wore flip flops. I figured I'd just change them in the bathroom right when I got to the party. Unfortunately when we arrived we were basically IN the party. I panicked and immediately took off my shoes. It was then that the owner of the house came over to introduce himself. There I stood - shoeless, in my lime green rain jacket, and wet leopard. I handed him my bag with my flip flops and said "err thanks. Love the house".  I might as well have been wearing a sign "I. Don't. Belong - Not. Fancy".

After I got my shit together I mingled (aka: I drank heavily) and ate some food. I asked where the lil smokies and bagel bites were, but no luck - it was dip with names I couldn't pronounce with ingredients I couldn't decipher. Oh well no food = more alcohol.

Around this time she talked in. I'll just call her "Bee" (I could call her "I have shit for brains and no facial recognition capabilities" but that seems excessive). She is really good friends with one of my best friends. My friend has insisted for over a year now that Bee is a "really good person" and that sometimes she just doesn't come across the best (aka: ignoring me at her Christmas party). So for the I was determined (against my better judgement) to give her a chance. We've met several times and hey, fourth times the charm. Below is the conversation that ensued:

Bee: "Hiii, I'm Bee"
Me: "Hi"
*my friend says my name*
B: "Ohh, what's your name? I don't think we've met?"
Me: "umm, no. WE.HAVE."
B (slightly panicked at looking at my friend): "ohhhh, umm, I thought she said your name was Erin?"
Me: "uh huh, yah, NO".

Then I walked away. Over it. If you want to be a bitch - I can accept that. If you want to ignore me - then you're a bitch, but once again I accept that. If you want to act like WHITNEY, sounds like ERIN - then you're stupid and I can't be friends with stupid people.

The moral of this story: Be yourself. Unless yourself is stupid - in which case - stay home. Or move - - far far away.

Amusing Things Vol 2

Yesterday I needed chocolate BAD. Like it was a chocolate 911 emergency. I didn't have any, but then I remembered my trail mix had chocolate chips in it.  So naturally I picked them all out and ate them,

Now my trail mix only has nuts and dried fruit in it. Gross.

Amusing things Vol 1

The other day my boyfriend and I went to Home Depot and I yelled "No you can't touch my boob!"

It was super funny.

To me.

Not to him.