FAIL

Yesterday I had an entire conversation with camel toe. Not like see the lines of my vagina camel toe, more like "damn I wish I get get my pants out of my vagina" camel toe.

I have no fucking idea what the person was saying to me because ALL I wanted to do was do a little shimmy and pull my pants down a bit.

So that's a no right??

My very first night in my dorm room in college my 18 year old self and my roommate decided to go rent a movie at the video store right around the corner. We were super jazzed to have a rental place so close to campus.

We walked in a quickly realized this was no blockbuster. There was a black curtain towards the back. Whips hung from the walls. We'd never really heard of any of the titles.

Fuck, are we in a porn store? Yep.

The man goes, "Can I help you ladies?"

"Err, I take it you don't have Romy and Michele's High School Reunion?"

"Don't Cry for Me Argentina"

So I just got home from drinks with one of my best friends, Lindsay. We went to a wine place where the idea is to taste a bunch of wines, pick your fav, then buy a glass. We tried two, then decided it was cheaper to buy a bottle.

Earlier today she bought a FABULOUS and I mean seriously fabulous pair of shoes. So we found a couch, curled up with our bottle of wine and stared at her shoes (for what is probably considered a lunatic amount of time - whatever, they're fucking fabulous).

We soon realized there was a girl who had come to the wine bar with the waterworks fully turned on. She was full on crying at the table with her friend. Umm...inappropriate.  Now I am all for the wine + tears = self healing. However, PUBLIC PLACE is not included in that equation.  Girlfriend had her hand right above her eyebrow and her head cocked down, as if to hide herself. Umm yah I can see you. You look stupid. Stop crying in a public place. You want to cry at home while drinking wine and watching sex and the city - go for it. You want to cry and get wasted before going to a trashy bar looking for a guy who's only borderline heinous to sleep with for self medication - go for it.  You want to get dressed up, go to a fancy wine bar, and cry at a table next to my friend in her fabulous shoes -
DONT. FUCKING. DO. IT.

Lindsay says "what if her mother just died?".
"Umm and she went to a fucking wine bar to mourn? "

Alessandra Ambrosio - What a B

Alessandra Ambrosio just announced she's pregnant with her second baby and apparently she was 2 months pregnant when she walked the runway at the VS fashion show....Do you see a baby bump? Yah. Me either. I don't even see cellulite.

Now here she is 4 months along.

I don't even look this good after I've had the flu for 2 weeks and only ingested 6 saltines. 

The Bastards that Become Boyfriends

The other day I was talking to a friend of mine about NYC. She asked me how I could have ever left.  I told her that I'd had a relationship that took a lot out of me and I just needed some distance from the city.

Then we started talking about relationships. She informed me it was pretty upsetting when she found out her boyfriend was gay. I told her it was upsetting when I found out my boyfriend was married.

She goes "ohh wow. I see why you left New York now".

Umm, no that was a DIFFERENT boyfriend.

Bidet

Someone asked me if I'd ever used a bidet before. I said "no but I've been sitting on an automatic toliet when it flushed, does that count?"

So true.