Dear Ryan Seacrest,

Dear Ryan Seacrest,
I need my own tv show. It's not so much a want, more a need. For both of us.
A bit about me: I am a typical 9 to 5'er (correction 9 to 6'er, that whole "9 to 5 bit" is a major falsity, I'll write to whoever started that lie later), who feels my talents would be better served in front of the camera of my own half hour (could be an hour if the editing was done right) television show. I am willing to do almost anything on my show (well except maybe bite the head off of a pigeon a la Ozzy Osbourne, but definitely don a unitard and walk the streets of Los Angeles with a midget a la Chelsea Handler - I love love love miniatures, but that's a separate letter). I am also great with people and can chase them down in 5 inch heels if necessary (don't ask). I think alcohol is 50% of the food pyramid and carbs should be the other 50. I used to be so ugly I had to sneak up on water to get a drink. I have a dating history that rivals "Another World" (RIP). I can also have an entire conversation with an answering machine or any other inanimate object.

Call me.


P.S: I don't eat meat.


Saturday, January 7, 2012

So that's a no right??

My very first night in my dorm room in college my 18 year old self and my roommate decided to go rent a movie at the video store right around the corner. We were super jazzed to have a rental place so close to campus.

We walked in a quickly realized this was no blockbuster. There was a black curtain towards the back. Whips hung from the walls. We'd never really heard of any of the titles.

Fuck, are we in a porn store? Yep.

The man goes, "Can I help you ladies?"

"Err, I take it you don't have Romy and Michele's High School Reunion?"
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