Dear Ryan Seacrest,

Dear Ryan Seacrest,
I need my own tv show. It's not so much a want, more a need. For both of us.
A bit about me: I am a typical 9 to 5'er (correction 9 to 6'er, that whole "9 to 5 bit" is a major falsity, I'll write to whoever started that lie later), who feels my talents would be better served in front of the camera of my own half hour (could be an hour if the editing was done right) television show. I am willing to do almost anything on my show (well except maybe bite the head off of a pigeon a la Ozzy Osbourne, but definitely don a unitard and walk the streets of Los Angeles with a midget a la Chelsea Handler - I love love love miniatures, but that's a separate letter). I am also great with people and can chase them down in 5 inch heels if necessary (don't ask). I think alcohol is 50% of the food pyramid and carbs should be the other 50. I used to be so ugly I had to sneak up on water to get a drink. I have a dating history that rivals "Another World" (RIP). I can also have an entire conversation with an answering machine or any other inanimate object.

Call me.


P.S: I don't eat meat.


Friday, October 21, 2011

Old Navy vs Bergdorf Goodman

In college one of my best friends and I would go to Bergdorf Goodman and look at all of the amazing items we couldn't afford but one day hoped to buy. In the bathroom they had Laura Mercier soap, body scrub, and lotion. So we would hide out and lather, rinse, and repeat. We loved it. They were beautiful containers and our hands were silky smooth. At $50.00 a jar, the free samples were as close as we were getting to them.    So this was our weekly field trip. Spa treatments for the poor.








Now, nearly 4 years after entering the workforce, we both have "adult" jobs and can FINALLY afford the Laura Mercier hand soap and we have a new weekly field trip....................Old Navy.

Yep. You heard me right. Old Navy. I'm breaking my silence and going public with this info.

My friend (who shall remain nameless so she can still show her face in public) recently moved to Texas and while waiting for her on one of our lovely 115 degree summer days I sought refuge in the Old Navy right next door to her apartment. I've always been a bit perplexed by Old Navy. Why are there 200 items on a stand only meant for 20? Why do they make 63 XXXL and feel the need to put them all out at the same time?  Why in some pants am I a size 2 and in others a size 12?  However what I saw was a plethora of SALE signs. So I examined further. Pants for 12.99? Don't mind if a do! A super soft chemise nightie for 10.00?? Hell yes! A tank for 3 DOLLARS?!? I'll take 4!  After our first shopping trip I got 5 things and spent 32.00!

So we went back. Take an extra half off sale items?!? Yes we will.  My friend got a bathing suit top for 23 CENTS! 23 CENTS?!? If she'd given them a quarter she would have gotten change back! I mean who cares if it even fits, I'd show a little side boob for 23 cents!

The other day I wore my 12.99 olive green cropped pants and someone said "I love those pants who are they by???"..."Err, 12 year old factory boy?"

I'm headed to NYC soon and I think my first stop will be Bergdorf's, where I will proudly walk to the bathroom in my $3.00 top, slather my hands with Laura Mercier and say to myself "Yes. I've made it".
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