If Only I'd Been 16 and Pregnant....: Liar Liar Pants On Fire

Dear Ryan Seacrest,

I need my own tv show. It's not so much a want, more a need. For both of us.

A bit about me: I am a typical 9 to 5'er (correction 9 to 6'er, that whole "9 to 5 bit" is a major falsity, I'll write to whoever started that lie later), who feels my talents would be better served in front of the camera of my own half hour (could be an hour if the editing was done right) television show. I am willing to do almost anything on my show (well except maybe bite the head off of a pigeon a la Ozzy Osbourne, but definitely don a unitard and walk the streets of Los Angeles with a midget a la Chelsea Handler - I love love love miniatures, but that's a separate letter). I am also great with people and can chase them down in 5 inch heels if necessary (don't ask). I think alcohol is 50% of the food pyramid and carbs should be the other 50. I used to be so ugly I had to sneak up on water to get a drink. I have a dating history that rivals "Another World" (RIP). I can also have an entire conversation with an answering machine or any other inanimate object.

Call me.

P.S: I don't eat meat.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Liar Liar Pants On Fire

I do not understand all of these celebrities who "accidentally" get pregnant:

Uma Thurman
January Jones
Jessica Simpson
Kristin Cavallari
Jessica Alba (first time)
Nicole Richie (first time - ok in all fairness she was probably on drugs at the time)
Snookie (ok in all fairness, probably drunk)

They're all like "I have no idea how it happened".

Umm really? I mean I could probably break it down for you. I've always known how NOT to have a baby. In fact, it's a mantra I repeated to myself daily in college.

I get you can get pregnant while using birth control, but lets be serious here, that's not happening to ALL OF THEM. Kind of like how not EVERYONE can have a nose job that results in "sinus issues". We've all seen the "Knocked Up". THAT'S how it happens.

Don't lie to me. I'm looking at you J. Simpson.