TMI

My mom told me the other day if she's going to get a boyfriend she "needs to get sexier sleepwear".

It was one of the few times in my life I'd wished I was deaf.

Have you ever played that game "what here doesn't belong"?

Have you ever been introduced to someone and on the outside you look as if you're paying attention, but 2 seconds later if that person asked you what their name was you'd just stare at them?

Have you ever met someone 3 times, had extended conversations, had mutual friends, heard about them multiple times and then seen them at a party and go "I don't think we've met"? No. Probably not. Because you're. not. stupid.

This past weekend I attended this fancy schmancy party. Immediately I had to repeat my fancy party mantra "Be. Appropriate. Be. Appropriate". I tend to make jokes/inappropriate comments when situations  are too serious (reeeeeal awkward at funerals).  I also tend to shout inappropriate things as if I'm a tourettes person having a panic attack, when I feel like people are taking themselves too seriously - hence my fancy party mantra.

In trying to decide what to wear I decided peplum and pearls were appropriate, so naturally I wore animal print pants - nothing says fancy like leopard spots spread across your ass. My Prada black booties were AMAZE, however, it was POURING rain outside, obviously I couldn't ruin them (see redneck run) so naturally I wore flip flops. I figured I'd just change them in the bathroom right when I got to the party. Unfortunately when we arrived we were basically IN the party. I panicked and immediately took off my shoes. It was then that the owner of the house came over to introduce himself. There I stood - shoeless, in my lime green rain jacket, and wet leopard. I handed him my bag with my flip flops and said "err thanks. Love the house".  I might as well have been wearing a sign "I. Don't. Belong - Not. Fancy".

After I got my shit together I mingled (aka: I drank heavily) and ate some food. I asked where the lil smokies and bagel bites were, but no luck - it was dip with names I couldn't pronounce with ingredients I couldn't decipher. Oh well no food = more alcohol.

Around this time she talked in. I'll just call her "Bee" (I could call her "I have shit for brains and no facial recognition capabilities" but that seems excessive). She is really good friends with one of my best friends. My friend has insisted for over a year now that Bee is a "really good person" and that sometimes she just doesn't come across the best (aka: ignoring me at her Christmas party). So for the I was determined (against my better judgement) to give her a chance. We've met several times and hey, fourth times the charm. Below is the conversation that ensued:

Bee: "Hiii, I'm Bee"
Me: "Hi"
*my friend says my name*
B: "Ohh, what's your name? I don't think we've met?"
Me: "umm, no. WE.HAVE."
B (slightly panicked at looking at my friend): "ohhhh, umm, I thought she said your name was Erin?"
Me: "uh huh, yah, NO".

Then I walked away. Over it. If you want to be a bitch - I can accept that. If you want to ignore me - then you're a bitch, but once again I accept that. If you want to act like WHITNEY, sounds like ERIN - then you're stupid and I can't be friends with stupid people.

The moral of this story: Be yourself. Unless yourself is stupid - in which case - stay home. Or move - - far far away.

Amusing Things Vol 2

Yesterday I needed chocolate BAD. Like it was a chocolate 911 emergency. I didn't have any, but then I remembered my trail mix had chocolate chips in it.  So naturally I picked them all out and ate them,

Now my trail mix only has nuts and dried fruit in it. Gross.

Amusing things Vol 1

The other day my boyfriend and I went to Home Depot and I yelled "No you can't touch my boob!"

It was super funny.

To me.

Not to him.

NYC - Night 2

On night two we decided to hit up our FAVORITE bar - Joshua Tree. For those of you who've never been, well you've truly never lived. For those of you who have been and don't like it? Well, we can never be friends.

We positioned ourselves right by the DJ and requested our favorite songs (a little Def Leppard, Bon Jovi, and Ace of Base - obviously).  A guy approached and introduced himself and his friends and once again I was able to get Ayla free shots. One of the guys said he was a doctor. So I took it upon myself to inform him it was a shame he picked such a dead end career that would make no money and help no one...that veterinary medicine is truly where it's at now. He looked a bit stunned...I felt fulfilled.

When we got back I took a shower and when I got out Ayla was sound asleep...so I shut off all the lights and off to sleep I went. I have no idea how much time passed before I heard POUNDING at the door. It took me a while to even realize it was OUR room that the pounding was occurring at....I woke up Ayla (who somehow had completely missed it) and up she went to the door. Turns out Sleeping beauty had ordered room service while I was in the shower and then passed out, so when I got out I had no clue and just went to bed.

I lifted the lid and go "you ordered macaroni and cheese?"....she goes "yah, gotta keep it classy".   So there we sat...at God only knows what time eating french fries and macaroni and cheese.....

 

NYC - Night 1

I was recently in NYC to celebrate my friend Ayla's birthday.  We were going to eat, drink, shop, and drink. We were determined to play up her bday as much as possible (I equated this to telling everyone we came into contact with to buy her a shot - but more to come on that front).  Upon arriving at our (amazing) hotel Ayla informed the front desk guy, let's call him 'P', it was her birthday, they immediately bonded as his birthday was 2 days later. He said he'd send drinks up to our room. SCORE. First freebie courtesy of the birthday excuse. Since it was quite late we immediately got ready to go out once we got to our room. A few minutes later we got a knock at the door. We looked at each other thinking the same thing "drink time!".  We opened the door annnnnd it was P...the front desk man. Err confused?  Ayla goes "umm you're delivering the drinks?".  The drinks being a half opened bottle of vodka in a brown paper bag.  He goes "yah, why not?". Umm "because we're not interested in being date raped. Thanks".  We both just looked at each other with a "WTF was that" look. I mean props to the guy for having balls, but a brown paper bag? Come on now. We classy ladies.  Freebie FAIL. (also for those of you thinking "omg so scary"...trust me...it wasn't )

With that awkward and strange situation behind us we set off for the East Village and a secret speakeasy.  Too bad the "secret" speakeasy had a 2 hour wait. Typical New York.  Sooo plan B? Bar None. I knew it as an NYU college bar - somehow the fact that we're far removed from college didn't seem to weigh in on our decision to go there. We arrived and almost instantly decided "yep, we're the oldest people in here".   In our quest to get a drink Ayla got a beer bottle dropped on her foot - I told the baby faced kid he was a dick and he started apologizing profusely - clearly not from New York.  We went to the dance floor and then decided the bar was a much safer bet (I think it was the pelvic thrusting and gyrating that convinced us of this fact).  There was a group of guys at the bar who overheard me say it was Ayla's birthday, so I immediately took advantage of the opportunity to tell them to buy her a shot.  One of the kids (literally) told me he's a sophomore at USC and from Westchester (He lost me on both points).  Then asked "where do you go?"...."umm I don't 'go'".  He then proceeded to introduce us to his cousin and the following conversation ensued:

Cousin: "I'm 18!"
Me: "years old?!?"
"Hell yes!"
"Seriously?"
"yah!"
"So you graduated high school in May?"
"no! June!"

**he clearly doesn't understand the fine art of lying**

"ohhh k....you're a child"
"no! I play Lacrosse"

**oh holy hell**

Now anyone who knows me knows I love a good awkward situation. This seemed to qualify, hence, why I kept it going as long as I could before it became child endangerment.  At a certain point (after I'd made plenty of one-liner jabs) they go "ohhhh I get it, you're sarcastic". Quick, aren't they? They then informed me I was "hot, but condescending". I informed them that while they were mastering freshman biology I was fine tuning my sarcasm/condescending skills.  They looked perplexed. We looked bored. But then we hit the motherload. They. Called. Us. COUGARS. Let it soak in a minute. Mind you we told them Ayla was turning 23! (ok reality, 29, close enough though). She goes "I'm a cougar at 23?"....

Cab ride to the East Village: $15.00
Drinks: $12.00
Getting to meet the Class of 2012: Priceless

50 Shades...

Someone said they didn't like 50 Shades of Grey because it isn't indicative of real life. Here's a tip: don't buy books in the FICTION section.