If Only I'd Been 16 and Pregnant....: I don't normally talk politics BUT....

Dear Ryan Seacrest,

I need my own tv show. It's not so much a want, more a need. For both of us.

A bit about me: I am a typical 9 to 5'er (correction 9 to 6'er, that whole "9 to 5 bit" is a major falsity, I'll write to whoever started that lie later), who feels my talents would be better served in front of the camera of my own half hour (could be an hour if the editing was done right) television show. I am willing to do almost anything on my show (well except maybe bite the head off of a pigeon a la Ozzy Osbourne, but definitely don a unitard and walk the streets of Los Angeles with a midget a la Chelsea Handler - I love love love miniatures, but that's a separate letter). I am also great with people and can chase them down in 5 inch heels if necessary (don't ask). I think alcohol is 50% of the food pyramid and carbs should be the other 50. I used to be so ugly I had to sneak up on water to get a drink. I have a dating history that rivals "Another World" (RIP). I can also have an entire conversation with an answering machine or any other inanimate object.

Call me.

P.S: I don't eat meat.

Monday, June 20, 2011

I don't normally talk politics BUT....

Bristol Palin just came out with a book in which she stated the night she lost her virginity to Levi Johnston she was drunk off wine coolers, so drunk in fact she didn't even know they had sex until she overheard him telling someone about it.

Girlfriend, for real? Is this really the story you're trying to sell?

First of all, I'm not even sure it's possible to get black out drunk off wine coolers. They have like 1% alcohol content annnd they're so sweet I'm pretty sure you'll throw up long before you get black out drunk.

Second of all, if it was your first time, you'd know it. You'd wake up the next day knowing it.

She said she had wanted to wait until she was married to lose her virginity. Yaaah. I'm gonna call bullshit on this one. She said it was the first night she lost her virginity NOT the night she got pregnant. So clearly her wild crazy drunken night of wine coolers and sex didn't deter her from doing it again...and again.

Listen sister, no one cares. At this point you have the baby. And for God's sake, don't drink wine coolers. That's the real travesty of this story.