Dear Ryan Seacrest,

Dear Ryan Seacrest,
I need my own tv show. It's not so much a want, more a need. For both of us.
A bit about me: I am a typical 9 to 5'er (correction 9 to 6'er, that whole "9 to 5 bit" is a major falsity, I'll write to whoever started that lie later), who feels my talents would be better served in front of the camera of my own half hour (could be an hour if the editing was done right) television show. I am willing to do almost anything on my show (well except maybe bite the head off of a pigeon a la Ozzy Osbourne, but definitely don a unitard and walk the streets of Los Angeles with a midget a la Chelsea Handler - I love love love miniatures, but that's a separate letter). I am also great with people and can chase them down in 5 inch heels if necessary (don't ask). I think alcohol is 50% of the food pyramid and carbs should be the other 50. I used to be so ugly I had to sneak up on water to get a drink. I have a dating history that rivals "Another World" (RIP). I can also have an entire conversation with an answering machine or any other inanimate object.

Call me.


P.S: I don't eat meat.


Monday, June 20, 2011

Whatever happened to the sign of the people....

I don't normally yearn for "simpler times". I embrace new technology. If something comes out that makes things faster, better, and can be clever at the same time, I'm all for it. With that said...

I was recently in San Francisco at a bar. Not a fancy bar mind you. Just a plain ol' run of the mill bar. Lots of beer and fried food (ok and a veggie burger - it is San Francisco afterall). At one point I got up to use the restroom. As I approach I see the door on the right says "Barley", the door on the left says "Hops". Err is this a trick? Is this supposed to be some sort of game? or is it Unisex? I stood there a few minutes contemplating this notion. "hmm, is 'ley a feminine ending?" Shit. I really have to pee. Into door number 1 I went - Barley. The coast was clear. Whew. So I shut the door and looked up, and there they stood. At the urinal. "Err is this how we do it now?" Fuck.

Later when I went back to the bathroom a girl was waiting and said to me "I'm pretty sure Barley is mens". I replied "trust me I'm for sure it is". She said "yah the plaid wallpaper tipped me off". I politely responded "oh yah? The guy peeing standing up tipped me off".

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