Dear Ryan Seacrest,

Dear Ryan Seacrest,
I need my own tv show. It's not so much a want, more a need. For both of us.
A bit about me: I am a typical 9 to 5'er (correction 9 to 6'er, that whole "9 to 5 bit" is a major falsity, I'll write to whoever started that lie later), who feels my talents would be better served in front of the camera of my own half hour (could be an hour if the editing was done right) television show. I am willing to do almost anything on my show (well except maybe bite the head off of a pigeon a la Ozzy Osbourne, but definitely don a unitard and walk the streets of Los Angeles with a midget a la Chelsea Handler - I love love love miniatures, but that's a separate letter). I am also great with people and can chase them down in 5 inch heels if necessary (don't ask). I think alcohol is 50% of the food pyramid and carbs should be the other 50. I used to be so ugly I had to sneak up on water to get a drink. I have a dating history that rivals "Another World" (RIP). I can also have an entire conversation with an answering machine or any other inanimate object.

Call me.


P.S: I don't eat meat.


Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Dear Gum, I love you and I miss you.


It's been 2 weeks since my last piece of gum. I gave up gum for lent. I understand to many people this seems like no big deal. Let me explain.

My love of gum began long ago. I've been a devoted gum chewer for 15+years.  However, when I began working in the "real world" my gum intake grew and grew. I could chew 3 packs a day, easy. I would put a piece in and chew for 30 seconds, take it out, put in another one......

I was a chain-gummer.

So here I am, 14 days in....I must say it's going better than I thought. Granted I caught myself staring at a girl who was chewing gum, longing for a piece and I can't stand too long at the checkout at the grocery store for fear I'll rip open a pack and start chewing. But I no longer have intense jaw soreness or gas that could kill an infant.

Baby steps...
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