Dear Ryan Seacrest,

Dear Ryan Seacrest,
I need my own tv show. It's not so much a want, more a need. For both of us.
A bit about me: I am a typical 9 to 5'er (correction 9 to 6'er, that whole "9 to 5 bit" is a major falsity, I'll write to whoever started that lie later), who feels my talents would be better served in front of the camera of my own half hour (could be an hour if the editing was done right) television show. I am willing to do almost anything on my show (well except maybe bite the head off of a pigeon a la Ozzy Osbourne, but definitely don a unitard and walk the streets of Los Angeles with a midget a la Chelsea Handler - I love love love miniatures, but that's a separate letter). I am also great with people and can chase them down in 5 inch heels if necessary (don't ask). I think alcohol is 50% of the food pyramid and carbs should be the other 50. I used to be so ugly I had to sneak up on water to get a drink. I have a dating history that rivals "Another World" (RIP). I can also have an entire conversation with an answering machine or any other inanimate object.

Call me.


P.S: I don't eat meat.


Thursday, March 31, 2011

Hide and Seek


When I was younger I used to think I was AWESOME at Hide and Seek. I used to play it at my grandmother's all the time.

Recently I was discussing my award winning H & S skills with my mom when suddenly I realized something. I used to stay hidden for sometimes close to a half hour....under a desk....without the chair scooted in. Sometimes I'D have to go FIND my grandmother. When I did she always looked rested...had her nails done. She totally wasn't even TRYING to find me. What a B.

Now for those of you thinking "oh how sad, I love my grandmother". Don't.

She once gave me a bag of oranges for my Christmas present. Oh sorry, she MAILED me a bag of oranges.

No wonder I have an aversion to Citrus.
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