The last time I visited my sister I wanted to stop at Borders on the way to the airport to pick up a few books. While there I had to go to the bathroom. As soon as I walked into the bathroom I heard two voices coming from the handicap stall, one of which sounded like a mans. So I turned around, opened the door and checked, yep "women's". Hmm...ok, just get in and get out....
As I'm in the stall I can hear them arguing, clearly something's wrong. Shit. I'm starting to sweat. I can feel the heart palpitations starting. As soon as I'm done I know I need to flee, but my need for sanitation stops me at the sink. That's when I hear it "ma'am, can you help us?". I freeze. Oh God, what should I do. Should I run? Should I say no? No, Jesus wouldn't like that. Even though I'm on the verge of a full on panic attack I respond, "s-su-sure". As I approach the handicap stall I feel similar to Mel Gibson in Braveheart. I'm also wishing I'd gotten a presciption for Xanax filled.
I enter the stall.....There is an obese woman on the toliet with no legs........I desperately wish I'd worn more deodorant. The man asks me "if I lift her, can you raise her pants?" I just stare with a glazed over look in my eyes. I'm numb. I have no feeling in my hands. I think I might be having a stroke. *Focus* She starts yelling at him "do NOT flush the toliet". Oh God. I walk over. He lifts her....There it is, Mount Poop-ola, I nearly pass out. Frantically I try and raise her pants, I can't get them. Oh God. I can't get a good angle. She's yelling, he's yelling, I'm now having a full on panic attack. My hands, why can't I feel my F-ing hands? In a last ditch effort right before she lands back on the toliet I manage to get her pants up.....
The man looks at me, "they're crooked"
*You have got to fucking kidding me*
OMG, so funny. That would only happen to you.
ReplyDelete