Dear Ryan Seacrest,

Dear Ryan Seacrest,
I need my own tv show. It's not so much a want, more a need. For both of us.
A bit about me: I am a typical 9 to 5'er (correction 9 to 6'er, that whole "9 to 5 bit" is a major falsity, I'll write to whoever started that lie later), who feels my talents would be better served in front of the camera of my own half hour (could be an hour if the editing was done right) television show. I am willing to do almost anything on my show (well except maybe bite the head off of a pigeon a la Ozzy Osbourne, but definitely don a unitard and walk the streets of Los Angeles with a midget a la Chelsea Handler - I love love love miniatures, but that's a separate letter). I am also great with people and can chase them down in 5 inch heels if necessary (don't ask). I think alcohol is 50% of the food pyramid and carbs should be the other 50. I used to be so ugly I had to sneak up on water to get a drink. I have a dating history that rivals "Another World" (RIP). I can also have an entire conversation with an answering machine or any other inanimate object.

Call me.


P.S: I don't eat meat.


Friday, November 30, 2012

Leather vs Leatha

For as long as I can remember I've wanted leather pants (or for just the past 2 years, since I stopped being fat, but everything before then doesn't really count anyways).  The leather pants I want are of the Helmut Lang variety and run approximately $960.00.  I've tried to convince myself more times than I can count that they're worth the money since they're an "investment piece".  But then I look at my paycheck and laugh out loud and realize I'm obviously delusional and go on about my way. This game goes on from time to time and sometimes I actually convince myself I can afford them. But then I remind myself I still want to lose 10 pounds (maybe 15 if I've seen a picture of Gwyneth Paltrow that day), so I decide to hold off a bit longer.

...and so I wait...and wait.

Well I haven't lost the 10 yet (I think I might be down a solid 6 ounces today though - having a thin day) so I decided to search for fake "leatha" pants - the kind that don't make me look like I've been shopping at Wet Seal circa 1995.  I found some cool ones that were only $80.00 but then realized they created the sizing based off a toddler and I was going to have to upsize 4 sizes - umm. I. Don't. Think. So.

I then found some that had leatha on the front, fabric on the back. I decided I liked them...buut they were $300.00. That seems like a lot for a plastic/cotton combo. So I was back to deciding I would lose the 10 pounds and buy the real leather pants.

And then it happened. Target.com found me and saved me. They had a failed designer collection where basically everything went on sale and I ended up getting myself some brand spankin new leatha pants for $20.99. I mean WHAAAT?!? I thought about buying 2 pairs and then realized I didn't even know how they fit and for all I knew I could pull them up and they could split down the middle. So I patiently waited the 5 business day delivery period. I got the confirmation email they had arrived and screamed with joy (inside of course, I work in an office with cubbies - no one's interested in my screams of joy or really my speaking - although the other day I caught myself singing - awkwaaard).  The second I got home I put them on - euphoria - they fit and looked fabulous. OK so the waistband is a little tight (only need to lose like 2 pounds for that though) and the crotch rides up just a wee bit (a mini squat takes care of it and you get a workout in), but for leatha pants under $25.00 that don't make me look like a street walker - they're F.AB.U.L.O.U.S.

So my new goal for the actual leather pants is just to buy them when I go on tour with the Rolling Stones. Yep. Totally not delusional at all.


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