College Flashback

When I was in college I decided to take a "challenging" class, one that would be totally different from the rest of my coursework (I went to fashion school).  So I embarked upon "Major Writers of the Western World". This was going to be my intellectual "smarty pants" class.

On the first day of class I was having a "thin day" so I put on my skinny jeans and a strapless black tube top. I felt awesome. I asked my roommate how I looked and she said "great!". I thought to myself "hell yah I do". 

So I walked to class thinking "this is going to be an AWESOME day". Kind of like a good hair day, a "thin day" has the same effect on self esteem, it's an invincible like feeling as if nothing can possibly go wrong.

As class started we all sat in a circle and went around the room and said something about ourselves, I noticed a girl directly across from me just staring me down with a nasty stare. "Jealous" I thought to myself. As class progressed I noticed she just kept looking at me with this hateful scowl. "What is her f-ing problem?" This is my thin day, nothing is going to ruin it. 

Then on break I went to the bathroom and as I looked up, it happened. I noticed it. The reason I'd been receiving the death stares. In the light my shirt was see through. Holy Shit. Was I wearing a bra? Of course not. So there I was, in all my nipple glory. I was horrified. I called my roommate "why the F did you not tell me my F-ing shirt was see through!?!?", "I didn't notice it". YAH right. Well normally I just would have hid my face and ran home, but this was the first day of class so I had to go back. Shit. 

I folded my arms and walked back, as soon as I got back I grabbed a piece of paper, correction: 10 sheets of paper and held them up the rest of class. 

That girl never did look at me in a nice way, I mean I can't really blame her. After my first day as a hooker, really no place to go with our relationship from there. 

I never did wear that shirt again. It was a cute shirt too. You may ask why I couldn't have just worn a bra with it, but once you've shown the world your nip nips, the PTSD is just too great to give it another go...

OK it's time.....

I absolutely MUST mention my disdain for Justin Beiber.

I get that 99% of the population ages 7 to who knows how old LOVE him. I used to not think he was that bad (ok this might be a borderline lie), but I figured it was better kids listen to his music than watch 99% of what's on television.

However, with his recent addition of tattoo's and earrings I'm over baby Biebs. Not to mention that somewhere along the line he picked up an opinion regarding abortion and sex before marriage. You're like 15 Biebs, shut it. I also think with his recent romance with Selena Gomez his thoughts on the latter might have changed somewhat.  That's the thing about 15 year old opinions, they're like pimples, every 15 minutes you have a new one where the old one popped.

Now he has a fragrance. I saw it in a magazine the other day and got that vomit taste in my mouth. I understand marketing and I understand the money that is made in it. Biebs is the "it" guy and everyone has a fragrance these days, but COME ON. He was on the Today Show saying that he only wants a fragrance for girls because girls smell good and he did research on some girls that smell good to get the smell for his fragrance. Umm seriously?

Baby Biebs, just sing and dance and play whatever plethora of instruments you play, but don't speak. And don't blow your face up to 200% in your marketing campaign for your fragrance.

Oh and to the guy that recently got the Biebs face tattooed on his leg (grown man) I hope you drink heavily everyday of your life, because no amount of laser removal can cover up that kind of stupid.

Sickness and Rudeness

OK here is something I totally do NOT understand.

I was recently sick and went home early from work. Upon my return the next day someone said to me "are you alive?" Umm "no?"....While I don't understand that question I figured surely their next question would be "are you feeling better?". It wasn't.

Later in the day someone asked me "did you just come to work to make everyone else sick?" Yes. Uh huh. That is EXACTLY why I came to work.

You would have thought I had Mono or that after work everyone needed to rush to get a TB skin test. Like I had a COLD, get a grip people. When did common courtesy go out the window in favor of the "are you alive" question. I get it's supposed to be funny...but it's not. It's not about "comedic timing" either. It just plain and simple isn't funny. And if not quickly followed by "are you feeling better" it's also just plain rude.

I think next time I'll come to work in one of those surgical masks, like the Chinese wore when fearing they might get Czars disease. See what kind of response I get then......and if people ask if I'm alive I'll simply say "nope, just decided my first task as a dead person would be to come to work".

Over it.

Whatever happened to the sign of the people....

I don't normally yearn for "simpler times". I embrace new technology. If something comes out that makes things faster, better, and can be clever at the same time, I'm all for it. With that said...

I was recently in San Francisco at a bar. Not a fancy bar mind you. Just a plain ol' run of the mill bar. Lots of beer and fried food (ok and a veggie burger - it is San Francisco afterall). At one point I got up to use the restroom. As I approach I see the door on the right says "Barley", the door on the left says "Hops". Err is this a trick? Is this supposed to be some sort of game? or is it Unisex? I stood there a few minutes contemplating this notion. "hmm, is 'ley a feminine ending?" Shit. I really have to pee. Into door number 1 I went - Barley. The coast was clear. Whew. So I shut the door and looked up, and there they stood. At the urinal. "Err is this how we do it now?" Fuck.

Later when I went back to the bathroom a girl was waiting and said to me "I'm pretty sure Barley is mens". I replied "trust me I'm for sure it is". She said "yah the plaid wallpaper tipped me off". I politely responded "oh yah? The guy peeing standing up tipped me off".

I don't normally talk politics BUT....

Bristol Palin just came out with a book in which she stated the night she lost her virginity to Levi Johnston she was drunk off wine coolers, so drunk in fact she didn't even know they had sex until she overheard him telling someone about it.

Girlfriend, for real? Is this really the story you're trying to sell?

First of all, I'm not even sure it's possible to get black out drunk off wine coolers. They have like 1% alcohol content annnd they're so sweet I'm pretty sure you'll throw up long before you get black out drunk.

Second of all, if it was your first time, you'd know it. You'd wake up the next day knowing it.

She said she had wanted to wait until she was married to lose her virginity. Yaaah. I'm gonna call bullshit on this one. She said it was the first night she lost her virginity NOT the night she got pregnant. So clearly her wild crazy drunken night of wine coolers and sex didn't deter her from doing it again...and again.

Listen sister, no one cares. At this point you have the baby. And for God's sake, don't drink wine coolers. That's the real travesty of this story.

Fondue

We get to the restaurant and order a seafood fondue to start with (because only eating dessert for dinner isn't really healthy by food pyramid standards). Once the formality of that was over with it was time for the fun to start. I ordered the chocolate bliss ( I mean come on, bliss? Clearly that was the only option) - a pool of decadent dark chocolate (none of that bullshit with peanut butter chips in it or nuts or whatever other crap you can throw in to ruin the amazingness that is just - chocolate). 

My birthday passed recently (happy birthday to me! - love love LOVE my birthday) and to celebrate my boyfriend and I went out to dinner for fondue.

Now here's something you should know about me. I LOVE dips, chip and dip, veggies and dip, anything that I can dip - LOVE it. I also love dessert.

When it arrived the waitress asked me if I like roasting marshmallows, umm is she serious? Who doesn't?? Hell yes I like roasting marshmallows! So she lights the chocolate on fire and tells us to roast away. I nearly pee myself with excitement. I managed to roast two before the flame burned out.

Now on to the good stuff. I dunked rice krispie treats, hello dollies, marshmallows, and cigarette cookies in that delicious bowl of goodness. When it got down to the end there was only 1 rice krispie treat for me to finish. It was an "unbutton my top button" moment - thank God I wore leggings. As I dunked the krispie treat in and swirled it around to get as much gooey goodness as possible and put the last bite in my mouth I had a religious experience. I saw baby Jesus, Buddha, Allah, Hare Krishna, and the Easter Bunny dancing a happy dance all around me.

And even though I might single handedly given myself diabetes in that moment I was one happy birthday girl.

P.S: To all of you who think the level of happiness I receive from food is gross - F you.

I really do love balloons

  Today is my friend Mollie's Birthday - shout out to Mollie!

I just went with her to pick up a mystery gift from the front desk. Lo and behold it was one of those basket's of fruit, ya know, the kind that's cut into shapes and flowers and all that fancy jazz. At first I was thinking to myself "huh, I always wondered who got those things". At least there was a GIANT balloon tied to it. That made up for the fact that it was fruit and not a cookie.

Then as we were walking to the car it happened...."I'm comin up so you better  get this party started". We both looked at each other. My first thought was "holy shit, the fruit sings?? No wonder people order these!" We just stared at each other. Then it stopped. We get in the car......"I'm comin up so you better get this party started". OH. MY. GOSH.

Turns out it was the balloon singing to us. As if balloons couldn't get ANY better, they now sing to you. Amazing.

If only I could go out and "get this party started". But no. It's a Wednesday...at 3 in the afternoon...and since I'm not on welfare I must get back to work.

...maybe tomorrow balloon...maybe tomorrow