Cool as a Cucumber

I don't really get what this phrase means.

Are cucumbers cool?

And...."Keep your eyes peeled". Yah, no thank you. That sounds like it hurts.

"Wet as a Whistle". What? Yah, no. No idea.

Judgment Day

So word on the street is that this Saturday, May 21st is Judgment day.  I really don't see what the big deal is, I mean yes it really sucks that this is occurring 2 weeks before my birthday. I think that's really the HUGE downside. BUT getting to meet J.C seems pretty cool, I mean this is the guy who turned water INTO wine. That's my kind of guy.

I read that Jesus will take all of the true believers up to heaven and leave everyone else to live out the "end of days" here on earth. This seems a bit dramatic to me. I was discussing this fact with a friend of mine and she says "yah it's meant to scare the hell out of you". I told her, "I've been in east harlem at 3 am by myself, it takes a lot to scare the hell out of me.".

I also told another friend of mine that he has approximately 48 hours to get re-acquainted with Jesus. It's crunch time now. Time to un-friend Lucifer on facebook and get serious.

As for me.....while I don't relish the thought of being in Dante's Inferno...I have always loved warm weather...

The Movies = Poverty

On Friday night my boyfriend and I went to the movies. My father had given me a 25.00 giftcard so we went to see Thor. The below are the two things I learned after purchasing the tickets:

1. I just bought tickets to a movie I have absolutely no idea what it's about

2. The movies are for rich people

Now I already knew that for 25.00 we could not get tickets, drinks, AND popcorn. But I thought we could at least get the tickets AND POPCORN.  As I walked up to the ticket counter I politely stated "two for Thor at 9:00" and the man responded something garbled into the headset thingy they wear (why do they wear the headset? is that thing even on?). I said "excuse me?" and while his response was still garbled I managed to make out "22.00". "Umm excuse me, 22.00?!?!". That is TWO dollars more than the last time I was there!  WTF?!? That will only leave me with 3.00 for popcorn. So that'll buy me....ohh....1/8 of a bag of popcorn!

I stomped off with my now 3.00 giftcard and up the stairs we went. I was still excited for my popcorn, although not nearly as excited as when I thought I was going to have FIVE dollars. We get up to the counter and I politely order a small popcorn, bottled water, and a box of goobers (those were for my boyfriend, I'm not a total fat ass). The man states "that'll be 13.75." Are you F-ing kidding me?!?!? I hand him my pathetic giftcard and he goes "that'll be 10.75". Oh wow, that really knocked it down. As we walked off I thought to myself "this better be the best damn popcorn and the best damn water and the best damn movie I've ever seen".

As I walked out of the movies the below occurred to me:

1. I just saw a movie that I am only 80% sure what it was about.
2. I am going to build a home theatre using K'nex and start acting out movies for my friends.

With gas at nearly $4.00 a gallon my friends aren't going to be able to GET to the movies much longer, much less buy anything more than 3 kernals of popcorn and a sip from the water fountain once they arrive....

RHONY

OK I admit it - I like bullshit, mindless television (this should come as a shock to no one since I want my own reality show).

Ever since the Real Housewives franchise started I have been a devoted fan (although I bowed out of Atlanta and stopped watching D.C a third of the way through). My favorite has always been NYC and even with the departure of Bethenny I have continued to watch. Last night however, the absurdity reached a whole new level. As Ramona and Jill got into YET ANOTHER fight  - Jill storms out only to then be seen in a car with her man friend - the "Countess"......She is balling and saying "she did it to me again".  Lady, unless she ran over your dog, shot your husband, or used the last syringe of botex there is absolutely ZERO reason to be crying in the car at 48 years old.

Although Ramona (and I do love her, especially as a fellow FIT grad) did come off as a complete wack-a-doodle. I mean it was HER party to celebrate the launch of HER wine. Yet there she is, picking fights. But I think she's one of those people that can only handle calm for so long...then she needs to stir that pot up.

Then to top it off Sonja bends over and shows her bruised ass to the world at her costume party.  You can't help but feel a twinge of pity for these 40 something's. But then you stop...look at their houses...their lack of a job...their designer duds and realize "shit, these women got it made". Plus they're allowing me to laugh AT them. That's awesome.

However, if you're going to show your ass to the world, for God's sake, make sure there isn't a bruise on it. I mean - have some class....

Ohh, but I do loooove me some crazies.

Attn: My employer

Please do not turn off the air at 5 pm when it's so humid and hot outside my hair is frizzing - - and I'm indoors.  This is TEXAS people.

I am sweating so bad I'm having to sit on napkins.

That's all.

Thank you.

Midgets

I love miniatures. Miniature food. Miniature clothes. Miniature animals. Miniature houses and most of all Miniature People.

Yesterday as I was pulling up to yoga a midget got into her car. I stopped. I had a euphoric moment of glee. I realized I was staring...and smiling....in a creepy "someone's gonna call the cops" sorta way. Now before I saw said midget, I was having the WORST day. Usually yoga makes me feel better..this time....no this time it was the midget. I could have turned right around and gone home and been happy as a fat kid with a cupcake.

If only the midget had been eating miniature food while riding a miniature horse...a girl can dream...

Facebook

These days EVERYHING is accessible on Facebook....People put where they work, their phone numbers, their addresses...pretty much they put everything but a status that says "please come rob me".

People write status updates about their political point of view - I don't care.

People tell you when they're eating a bowl of cereal - I don't care.

They tell you their religion, their activities, when they play them, where they play them, and with who they're playing them with. It's as if match.com, every school "club" and people's personal calendars have collided onto one site.

And yet....here I am...having just listed my favorite movies. Half of which don't even have real people. I also "liked" the Disney page, which was marked by an unsettling sense of euphoria. I assure you I'm not some loony toon with an affinity for children's movies...I simply...just love me some Disney-pixar.

To which - no one really cares.....you're a genius Mark Zuckerberg...No one can resist the temptation of the Facebook.

Crazy vs Crazy

The other night my boyfriend asked me "On a scale of 1 to 10 how crazy do you think you are?".

I told him, "4.7". However I quickly asked if that was with 10 being the highest and he said it was, but that if it was 1 then I'd be 5.3.

I was like "umm no I wouldn't, that changes everything. I'd then be more like a 7".

He just stared at me and said "that makes no sense".

Umm yes it does. I understand it perfectly.