Dear Ryan Seacrest,

Dear Ryan Seacrest,
I need my own tv show. It's not so much a want, more a need. For both of us.
A bit about me: I am a typical 9 to 5'er (correction 9 to 6'er, that whole "9 to 5 bit" is a major falsity, I'll write to whoever started that lie later), who feels my talents would be better served in front of the camera of my own half hour (could be an hour if the editing was done right) television show. I am willing to do almost anything on my show (well except maybe bite the head off of a pigeon a la Ozzy Osbourne, but definitely don a unitard and walk the streets of Los Angeles with a midget a la Chelsea Handler - I love love love miniatures, but that's a separate letter). I am also great with people and can chase them down in 5 inch heels if necessary (don't ask). I think alcohol is 50% of the food pyramid and carbs should be the other 50. I used to be so ugly I had to sneak up on water to get a drink. I have a dating history that rivals "Another World" (RIP). I can also have an entire conversation with an answering machine or any other inanimate object.

Call me.


P.S: I don't eat meat.


Wednesday, April 6, 2011

I Feel Ya Clark W. Griswold

You know that scene in Christmas Vacation where Clark Griswold opens what he thinks is his bonus check only to discover he's been enrolled in the jelly of the month club? He proceeds to GO OFF on his boss using a litany of phrases and choice words.


That is EXACTLY how I feel every time some giant ignoramus driver either cuts me off, doesn't know how to merge on the highway, or pulls out in front of me and then proceeds to go 15 mph BELOW the speed limit.


The other morning when I pulled onto the street, I saw a car coming but I had MORE than enough time to pull out. However, once I did he was right on my ass and proceeded to flip me off. It wasn't even 9 am. My first inclination was to slam on my brakes, get out of my car and beat him to pulp. That would be totally irrational. So instead I just slammed on my brakes....and waved. Nothing pisses someone off more than if you wave at them as their tailgating you.  What are they gonna do? Continue to flip off a person waving at them? That's just stupid. 


And to all of those timid people who don't know how to merge on the highway, seriously just HIT THE F-ING GAS PEDAL. It's not a hard concept. I would prefer not to die on I-35 at 8 am on Tuesday. 


So to all of you bad drivers out there, I want to tell you what a....

  • cheap
  • lying
  • no-good
  • rotten
  • four-flushing
  • low-life
  • snake-licking
  • dirt-eating
  • inbred
  • ignorant
  • blood-sucking
  • dog-kissing
  • brainless
  • dickless
  • hopeless
  • heartless
  • fat-ass
  • bug-eyed
  • stiff-legged
  • spotty-lipped
  • worm-headed
  • sack of monkey shit YOU ARE!…
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