Dear Ryan Seacrest,

Dear Ryan Seacrest,
I need my own tv show. It's not so much a want, more a need. For both of us.
A bit about me: I am a typical 9 to 5'er (correction 9 to 6'er, that whole "9 to 5 bit" is a major falsity, I'll write to whoever started that lie later), who feels my talents would be better served in front of the camera of my own half hour (could be an hour if the editing was done right) television show. I am willing to do almost anything on my show (well except maybe bite the head off of a pigeon a la Ozzy Osbourne, but definitely don a unitard and walk the streets of Los Angeles with a midget a la Chelsea Handler - I love love love miniatures, but that's a separate letter). I am also great with people and can chase them down in 5 inch heels if necessary (don't ask). I think alcohol is 50% of the food pyramid and carbs should be the other 50. I used to be so ugly I had to sneak up on water to get a drink. I have a dating history that rivals "Another World" (RIP). I can also have an entire conversation with an answering machine or any other inanimate object.

Call me.


P.S: I don't eat meat.


Thursday, April 28, 2011

Sorry I've been MIA...

but I just returned from the real MIA - Miami that is. The land of fist pumping, tanned bodies, and a place where even the mannequins in store front windows have giant fake boobies.

It was a fabulous vacation and one in which I just laid on the beach and read a book...and watched a woman with mosquito bite boobs dance around topless on the sand. Now last I checked being half nude on a public beach in Florida is considered illegal, but perhaps no one really noticed..afterall there wasn't much to notice. Although the image is forever burned into my retinas.

Or there was the obese woman in a blue bikini....nuff said on that one..let's just say, the bikini was hard to see. 

I know I will definitely make a return trip to Meee-aaaa-miiii, but perhaps next time I'll bring my own popcorn, because there is for sure a show to be seen....
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