Dear Ryan Seacrest,

Dear Ryan Seacrest,
I need my own tv show. It's not so much a want, more a need. For both of us.
A bit about me: I am a typical 9 to 5'er (correction 9 to 6'er, that whole "9 to 5 bit" is a major falsity, I'll write to whoever started that lie later), who feels my talents would be better served in front of the camera of my own half hour (could be an hour if the editing was done right) television show. I am willing to do almost anything on my show (well except maybe bite the head off of a pigeon a la Ozzy Osbourne, but definitely don a unitard and walk the streets of Los Angeles with a midget a la Chelsea Handler - I love love love miniatures, but that's a separate letter). I am also great with people and can chase them down in 5 inch heels if necessary (don't ask). I think alcohol is 50% of the food pyramid and carbs should be the other 50. I used to be so ugly I had to sneak up on water to get a drink. I have a dating history that rivals "Another World" (RIP). I can also have an entire conversation with an answering machine or any other inanimate object.

Call me.


P.S: I don't eat meat.


Friday, April 8, 2011

The Perks of Being the First Person to Get to Work...

1. I get a parking spot RIGHT NEXT to the door.
2. I can talk as loud as I want - no one's here to hear me.
3. When I hit refresh on my email, there are NONE because no one else is at work.
4. I can take my shoes off (although I'm 50/50 on how I feel about this).

and last but not least...

5. I'm the FIRST person to use the potty!!!!

It's the little things....no, you know what. THIS. IS. BIG.

...I think I might go back just so I can be the second person too...
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