If Only I'd Been 16 and Pregnant....: Here Comes the Bride.....

Dear Ryan Seacrest,

I need my own tv show. It's not so much a want, more a need. For both of us.

A bit about me: I am a typical 9 to 5'er (correction 9 to 6'er, that whole "9 to 5 bit" is a major falsity, I'll write to whoever started that lie later), who feels my talents would be better served in front of the camera of my own half hour (could be an hour if the editing was done right) television show. I am willing to do almost anything on my show (well except maybe bite the head off of a pigeon a la Ozzy Osbourne, but definitely don a unitard and walk the streets of Los Angeles with a midget a la Chelsea Handler - I love love love miniatures, but that's a separate letter). I am also great with people and can chase them down in 5 inch heels if necessary (don't ask). I think alcohol is 50% of the food pyramid and carbs should be the other 50. I used to be so ugly I had to sneak up on water to get a drink. I have a dating history that rivals "Another World" (RIP). I can also have an entire conversation with an answering machine or any other inanimate object.

Call me.

P.S: I don't eat meat.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Here Comes the Bride.....

OK so I really have no desire to get married. Maybe SOME-day, but definitely not TO-day. However, the other night the topic came up with my boyfriend, Dave. Why? Not really sure....but below is the conversation that ensued...

Me: I'd really want a band with diamonds all the way around.
D: Umm ok, or whatever I could afford.
Me: I don't want an ugly ring.
D: You're ridiculous. It's about the commitment between two people - not the ring.
Me: Ok, in that case then I'd rather have no ring than an ugly ring.
D: All the people I've known bought what they could afford and the other person took it.
Me: Right. OK. So will I...as loooong as it's not ugly. I just have to like it.
D: Well what don't you like?
Me: Would you like an itemized list?
D: You're ridiculous.
Me: Uh huh..no ugly.

At this point I could see the steam shooting out his ears. So I decided to call it and be like "I was only joking".

Luckily a screw from the kitchen scissors had come off and got stuck in the garbage disposal so he resumed talking to me in a normal tone....

But then I thought, "hmm...I wonder if he got it?". I thought about circling back just to make sure, but then I looked up and saw him holding the scissors he'd just fixed and decided....

maybe another time....