Dear Ryan Seacrest,

Dear Ryan Seacrest,
I need my own tv show. It's not so much a want, more a need. For both of us.
A bit about me: I am a typical 9 to 5'er (correction 9 to 6'er, that whole "9 to 5 bit" is a major falsity, I'll write to whoever started that lie later), who feels my talents would be better served in front of the camera of my own half hour (could be an hour if the editing was done right) television show. I am willing to do almost anything on my show (well except maybe bite the head off of a pigeon a la Ozzy Osbourne, but definitely don a unitard and walk the streets of Los Angeles with a midget a la Chelsea Handler - I love love love miniatures, but that's a separate letter). I am also great with people and can chase them down in 5 inch heels if necessary (don't ask). I think alcohol is 50% of the food pyramid and carbs should be the other 50. I used to be so ugly I had to sneak up on water to get a drink. I have a dating history that rivals "Another World" (RIP). I can also have an entire conversation with an answering machine or any other inanimate object.

Call me.


P.S: I don't eat meat.


Monday, April 4, 2011

I Am My Mother's Daughter



As I pulled through Sonic today for happy hour with a level of excitement that is equal to a fat kid getting a cupcake, it hit me "I am my mother". Not just similar. But her - 30 years younger....

  • I get a euphoric high from saving money
  • I save room at EVERY meal for dessert
  • Dessert could BE the meal
  • I print off coupons like it's my job
  • I plan meals around what coupon I have (free chips and queso at Chili's? Don't mind if I do)
  • I plan working out around hair wash days
  • When I laugh I do so with my entire body - like limbs flailing, doubled over laughter
  • I have a bag of m & m's at all times.

The below conversation occurred the last time my mom was in town with our dog, Hershey Kiss after I tried to give her a blue corn chip and she turned her head and walked away.

"Mom, Hershey just snubbed PEOPLE food"
"She doesn't like blue corn."
"You're kidding me."
"No, she's watching her figure."
"You're ridiculous."
"She has to maintain her figure for the boys."

Someone said to me the other day "I bet your mother is more sane than you are though".

I assure you...she is not.
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1 comment:

  1. UnknownApril 4, 2011 at 3:25 PM

    hahaa, thats really well written. Great ending on that one too!

    ReplyDelete

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