Alessandra Ambrosio - What a B

Alessandra Ambrosio just announced she's pregnant with her second baby and apparently she was 2 months pregnant when she walked the runway at the VS fashion show....Do you see a baby bump? Yah. Me either. I don't even see cellulite.

Now here she is 4 months along.

I don't even look this good after I've had the flu for 2 weeks and only ingested 6 saltines. 

The Bastards that Become Boyfriends

The other day I was talking to a friend of mine about NYC. She asked me how I could have ever left.  I told her that I'd had a relationship that took a lot out of me and I just needed some distance from the city.

Then we started talking about relationships. She informed me it was pretty upsetting when she found out her boyfriend was gay. I told her it was upsetting when I found out my boyfriend was married.

She goes "ohh wow. I see why you left New York now".

Umm, no that was a DIFFERENT boyfriend.

Bidet

Someone asked me if I'd ever used a bidet before. I said "no but I've been sitting on an automatic toliet when it flushed, does that count?"

So true.

Some people save babies, I save Manolo's.

The other day when I was getting ready to leave work I looked outside and it was POURING rain.  I went back inside and got my umbrella, then as I was about to walk into the rain I realized "MY SHOES!".  My fabulous beautiful SUEDE Manolo Blahnik shoes.

I looked out at the rain, then down at my shoes; out, down, out, down. I considered my options:

1. Run out in the rain praying my shoes don't get "too" wet.
2. Run out in the rain fully knowing my shoes will most likely get ruined.
3. Do the Redneck run - take my shoes off, and run like hell......barefoot.

Look classy, but most likely ruin my shoes or look trashy and not ruin my shoes??

So......off those suckers came! I put them in my bag, zipped it up, and made a run for it. Note to self: when running like hell barefoot in the rain, concrete is slippery when wet. I nearly fell 2 or 3 times, but I was focused on the end goal. Keeping the shoes safe.

Once I got to my car, I took my shoes out and inspected - not a drop on them. Whew. As I was preparing to drive away I realized there were definitely tiny pebbles jammed into the bottom of my feet. Shit....hmmm.....I found a gum wrapper and used it to get the pebbles out and soak up as much water as possible. Note to self: a 1 x 1 gum wrapper square does not absorb much water.

Finally, I was good to go...I looked over at my shoes one more time - still safe and sound.....Victory!

You can take the girl out of Oklahoma, but you can't take the Oklahoma out of the girl.

Happy Friday!!!

Spray Tan? Check
Shiny Top? Check
Tracks in? Check

It terrifies me that she looked in the mirror and went "Daaamn I look good".
No sister. You don't.

Wal - Mart

Aside from making me want to kill myself, Wal - Mart also makes me want to buy shit I never even knew existed.

I see those "roll back" signs and I think to myself "holy shit, stuff is still sold for under $1.00! Don't mind if I do..."

They sell canned meat for 60 CENTS, I considered buying 10 and I'm vegetarian.

A bucket for $1.29?!? I don't even know what the hell you do with a bucket short of running a car wash or stashing body parts, but I can get 4 for under $5.00!

A microwave for $39.00?!? Hell yes! I have a built in, but why not have an extra?!?

And the people?!? The people are A.W.E.S.O.M.E. I mean what other store has an entire website devoted to the people who shop there?!? It's like the friggen state fair EVERYday.

So in short my friends:

A movie: $12.00
Dinner: $50.00
canned meat, a bucket, and people who think unitards are for daytime dressing: Priceless

This is what an asshole looks like

First jasmine from Aladdin at her wedding.
Now she's African princess.

Old Navy vs Bergdorf Goodman

In college one of my best friends and I would go to Bergdorf Goodman and look at all of the amazing items we couldn't afford but one day hoped to buy. In the bathroom they had Laura Mercier soap, body scrub, and lotion. So we would hide out and lather, rinse, and repeat. We loved it. They were beautiful containers and our hands were silky smooth. At $50.00 a jar, the free samples were as close as we were getting to them.    So this was our weekly field trip. Spa treatments for the poor.

Now, nearly 4 years after entering the workforce, we both have "adult" jobs and can FINALLY afford the Laura Mercier hand soap and we have a new weekly field trip....................Old Navy.

Yep. You heard me right. Old Navy. I'm breaking my silence and going public with this info.

My friend (who shall remain nameless so she can still show her face in public) recently moved to Texas and while waiting for her on one of our lovely 115 degree summer days I sought refuge in the Old Navy right next door to her apartment. I've always been a bit perplexed by Old Navy. Why are there 200 items on a stand only meant for 20? Why do they make 63 XXXL and feel the need to put them all out at the same time?  Why in some pants am I a size 2 and in others a size 12?  However what I saw was a plethora of SALE signs. So I examined further. Pants for 12.99? Don't mind if a do! A super soft chemise nightie for 10.00?? Hell yes! A tank for 3 DOLLARS?!? I'll take 4!  After our first shopping trip I got 5 things and spent 32.00!

So we went back. Take an extra half off sale items?!? Yes we will.  My friend got a bathing suit top for 23 CENTS! 23 CENTS?!? If she'd given them a quarter she would have gotten change back! I mean who cares if it even fits, I'd show a little side boob for 23 cents!

The other day I wore my 12.99 olive green cropped pants and someone said "I love those pants who are they by???"..."Err, 12 year old factory boy?"

I'm headed to NYC soon and I think my first stop will be Bergdorf's, where I will proudly walk to the bathroom in my $3.00 top, slather my hands with Laura Mercier and say to myself "Yes. I've made it".

When your bumper sticker makes you a dumbass

This morning on my drive in to work the car in front of me had the below bumper sticker on their window:

Newflash asshole: THEY LOST. Annnd it's been nearly 4 years since they lost. Maybe ditch the sticker. Or, now here's a thought, don't put them on to begin with! Either a) you're candidate will lose or b) your candidate will win and make you wish they'd lost. Would you put up "I ALMOST got a promotion", "I won SECOND place!", "In the top 5 I'm number 6!"?? 

No. It's lose lose and in the end you look like AN ASSHOLE. A stupid asshole.

The Pop Quiz

A couple weeks ago my boyfriend and I were at the grocery store and there was a Martha Stewart Wedding magazine on newsstands with a bunch of engagement rings on it. I looked at him and said:
          "ok, if you had to pick one, which one do you think I'd want?"

He goes: "you don't even want to get married"

My response: "Umm you're missing the point, which one would I WANT?!?"

Ahh the power of the pop quiz.....
                                                   

The Tooth Fairy

I was just talking to a co-worker of mine regarding her 6 year old son and the items he receives from the "tooth fairy". Then I thought to myself, THANK GOD the tooth fairy isn't real or I'd have no teeth. When I was (let's be real "am") strapped for cash I would totally just pull those suckers out, stick em under my pillow and wait to wake up to the beautiful greenery in the morning....

*sigh*

Back to hookin it.

Costa Rican Observations

I recently went on vacation to Costa Rica (amazing in case anyone wants to go). However, here are three major things I learned:

1. You can in fact get sunburned when it's cloudy.
2. One pieces were invented for a reason.
3. A good reason

One day my mother and I went to the pool (mind you it's off season so there were only like 15 of us total at the pool amidst 200+ lounge chairs), there were two...err...large-er women there. Sisters perhaps. As we passed by them I realized I wasn't 100% sure if the one was wearing bottoms. I thought for a second she might be pregnant, but given her size she would have to have been on the elephant gestational cycle.

Later she stood up. There they were, the miraculous bottoms I'd been searching for for the last hour (I'm a stare-er what can I say). She was wearing a bikini for a toddler, not Jonah Hill pre weightloss.

So this brings me to my point. Just because you CAN doesn't mean you SHOULD...and in this case that would be WEAR A BIKINI. Now this doesn't just pertain to the "baby bottoms" sister. This also pertains to the 20-somethings walking around the pool with their bikini top acting more like nipple covers and the strings on their bottoms barely tied due to lack of elasticity. You don't HAVE to wear a bikini, there are plenty of other options - tankini, one piece, boy shorts, burka....

And if you absolutely MUST wear a bikini can you at least make sure that people aren't placing bets as to when you stand if they'll see bikini bottoms or the land down under?

Sorry - I suck - But I will be better

So I really suck at this whole "writing a blog and keep it updated routinely". I vow to get much much better...and also to start including things in my blog other than just random B.S stories (a girl's gotta grow afterall :) But I won't completely abandon the B.S - afterall that is what my life is majorly comprised of :)

College Flashback

When I was in college I decided to take a "challenging" class, one that would be totally different from the rest of my coursework (I went to fashion school).  So I embarked upon "Major Writers of the Western World". This was going to be my intellectual "smarty pants" class.

On the first day of class I was having a "thin day" so I put on my skinny jeans and a strapless black tube top. I felt awesome. I asked my roommate how I looked and she said "great!". I thought to myself "hell yah I do". 

So I walked to class thinking "this is going to be an AWESOME day". Kind of like a good hair day, a "thin day" has the same effect on self esteem, it's an invincible like feeling as if nothing can possibly go wrong.

As class started we all sat in a circle and went around the room and said something about ourselves, I noticed a girl directly across from me just staring me down with a nasty stare. "Jealous" I thought to myself. As class progressed I noticed she just kept looking at me with this hateful scowl. "What is her f-ing problem?" This is my thin day, nothing is going to ruin it. 

Then on break I went to the bathroom and as I looked up, it happened. I noticed it. The reason I'd been receiving the death stares. In the light my shirt was see through. Holy Shit. Was I wearing a bra? Of course not. So there I was, in all my nipple glory. I was horrified. I called my roommate "why the F did you not tell me my F-ing shirt was see through!?!?", "I didn't notice it". YAH right. Well normally I just would have hid my face and ran home, but this was the first day of class so I had to go back. Shit. 

I folded my arms and walked back, as soon as I got back I grabbed a piece of paper, correction: 10 sheets of paper and held them up the rest of class. 

That girl never did look at me in a nice way, I mean I can't really blame her. After my first day as a hooker, really no place to go with our relationship from there. 

I never did wear that shirt again. It was a cute shirt too. You may ask why I couldn't have just worn a bra with it, but once you've shown the world your nip nips, the PTSD is just too great to give it another go...

OK it's time.....

I absolutely MUST mention my disdain for Justin Beiber.

I get that 99% of the population ages 7 to who knows how old LOVE him. I used to not think he was that bad (ok this might be a borderline lie), but I figured it was better kids listen to his music than watch 99% of what's on television.

However, with his recent addition of tattoo's and earrings I'm over baby Biebs. Not to mention that somewhere along the line he picked up an opinion regarding abortion and sex before marriage. You're like 15 Biebs, shut it. I also think with his recent romance with Selena Gomez his thoughts on the latter might have changed somewhat.  That's the thing about 15 year old opinions, they're like pimples, every 15 minutes you have a new one where the old one popped.

Now he has a fragrance. I saw it in a magazine the other day and got that vomit taste in my mouth. I understand marketing and I understand the money that is made in it. Biebs is the "it" guy and everyone has a fragrance these days, but COME ON. He was on the Today Show saying that he only wants a fragrance for girls because girls smell good and he did research on some girls that smell good to get the smell for his fragrance. Umm seriously?

Baby Biebs, just sing and dance and play whatever plethora of instruments you play, but don't speak. And don't blow your face up to 200% in your marketing campaign for your fragrance.

Oh and to the guy that recently got the Biebs face tattooed on his leg (grown man) I hope you drink heavily everyday of your life, because no amount of laser removal can cover up that kind of stupid.

Sickness and Rudeness

OK here is something I totally do NOT understand.

I was recently sick and went home early from work. Upon my return the next day someone said to me "are you alive?" Umm "no?"....While I don't understand that question I figured surely their next question would be "are you feeling better?". It wasn't.

Later in the day someone asked me "did you just come to work to make everyone else sick?" Yes. Uh huh. That is EXACTLY why I came to work.

You would have thought I had Mono or that after work everyone needed to rush to get a TB skin test. Like I had a COLD, get a grip people. When did common courtesy go out the window in favor of the "are you alive" question. I get it's supposed to be funny...but it's not. It's not about "comedic timing" either. It just plain and simple isn't funny. And if not quickly followed by "are you feeling better" it's also just plain rude.

I think next time I'll come to work in one of those surgical masks, like the Chinese wore when fearing they might get Czars disease. See what kind of response I get then......and if people ask if I'm alive I'll simply say "nope, just decided my first task as a dead person would be to come to work".

Over it.

Whatever happened to the sign of the people....

I don't normally yearn for "simpler times". I embrace new technology. If something comes out that makes things faster, better, and can be clever at the same time, I'm all for it. With that said...

I was recently in San Francisco at a bar. Not a fancy bar mind you. Just a plain ol' run of the mill bar. Lots of beer and fried food (ok and a veggie burger - it is San Francisco afterall). At one point I got up to use the restroom. As I approach I see the door on the right says "Barley", the door on the left says "Hops". Err is this a trick? Is this supposed to be some sort of game? or is it Unisex? I stood there a few minutes contemplating this notion. "hmm, is 'ley a feminine ending?" Shit. I really have to pee. Into door number 1 I went - Barley. The coast was clear. Whew. So I shut the door and looked up, and there they stood. At the urinal. "Err is this how we do it now?" Fuck.

Later when I went back to the bathroom a girl was waiting and said to me "I'm pretty sure Barley is mens". I replied "trust me I'm for sure it is". She said "yah the plaid wallpaper tipped me off". I politely responded "oh yah? The guy peeing standing up tipped me off".

I don't normally talk politics BUT....

Bristol Palin just came out with a book in which she stated the night she lost her virginity to Levi Johnston she was drunk off wine coolers, so drunk in fact she didn't even know they had sex until she overheard him telling someone about it.

Girlfriend, for real? Is this really the story you're trying to sell?

First of all, I'm not even sure it's possible to get black out drunk off wine coolers. They have like 1% alcohol content annnd they're so sweet I'm pretty sure you'll throw up long before you get black out drunk.

Second of all, if it was your first time, you'd know it. You'd wake up the next day knowing it.

She said she had wanted to wait until she was married to lose her virginity. Yaaah. I'm gonna call bullshit on this one. She said it was the first night she lost her virginity NOT the night she got pregnant. So clearly her wild crazy drunken night of wine coolers and sex didn't deter her from doing it again...and again.

Listen sister, no one cares. At this point you have the baby. And for God's sake, don't drink wine coolers. That's the real travesty of this story.

Fondue

We get to the restaurant and order a seafood fondue to start with (because only eating dessert for dinner isn't really healthy by food pyramid standards). Once the formality of that was over with it was time for the fun to start. I ordered the chocolate bliss ( I mean come on, bliss? Clearly that was the only option) - a pool of decadent dark chocolate (none of that bullshit with peanut butter chips in it or nuts or whatever other crap you can throw in to ruin the amazingness that is just - chocolate). 

My birthday passed recently (happy birthday to me! - love love LOVE my birthday) and to celebrate my boyfriend and I went out to dinner for fondue.

Now here's something you should know about me. I LOVE dips, chip and dip, veggies and dip, anything that I can dip - LOVE it. I also love dessert.

When it arrived the waitress asked me if I like roasting marshmallows, umm is she serious? Who doesn't?? Hell yes I like roasting marshmallows! So she lights the chocolate on fire and tells us to roast away. I nearly pee myself with excitement. I managed to roast two before the flame burned out.

Now on to the good stuff. I dunked rice krispie treats, hello dollies, marshmallows, and cigarette cookies in that delicious bowl of goodness. When it got down to the end there was only 1 rice krispie treat for me to finish. It was an "unbutton my top button" moment - thank God I wore leggings. As I dunked the krispie treat in and swirled it around to get as much gooey goodness as possible and put the last bite in my mouth I had a religious experience. I saw baby Jesus, Buddha, Allah, Hare Krishna, and the Easter Bunny dancing a happy dance all around me.

And even though I might single handedly given myself diabetes in that moment I was one happy birthday girl.

P.S: To all of you who think the level of happiness I receive from food is gross - F you.

I really do love balloons

  Today is my friend Mollie's Birthday - shout out to Mollie!

I just went with her to pick up a mystery gift from the front desk. Lo and behold it was one of those basket's of fruit, ya know, the kind that's cut into shapes and flowers and all that fancy jazz. At first I was thinking to myself "huh, I always wondered who got those things". At least there was a GIANT balloon tied to it. That made up for the fact that it was fruit and not a cookie.

Then as we were walking to the car it happened...."I'm comin up so you better  get this party started". We both looked at each other. My first thought was "holy shit, the fruit sings?? No wonder people order these!" We just stared at each other. Then it stopped. We get in the car......"I'm comin up so you better get this party started". OH. MY. GOSH.

Turns out it was the balloon singing to us. As if balloons couldn't get ANY better, they now sing to you. Amazing.

If only I could go out and "get this party started". But no. It's a Wednesday...at 3 in the afternoon...and since I'm not on welfare I must get back to work.

...maybe tomorrow balloon...maybe tomorrow

Cool as a Cucumber

I don't really get what this phrase means.

Are cucumbers cool?

And...."Keep your eyes peeled". Yah, no thank you. That sounds like it hurts.

"Wet as a Whistle". What? Yah, no. No idea.

Judgment Day

So word on the street is that this Saturday, May 21st is Judgment day.  I really don't see what the big deal is, I mean yes it really sucks that this is occurring 2 weeks before my birthday. I think that's really the HUGE downside. BUT getting to meet J.C seems pretty cool, I mean this is the guy who turned water INTO wine. That's my kind of guy.

I read that Jesus will take all of the true believers up to heaven and leave everyone else to live out the "end of days" here on earth. This seems a bit dramatic to me. I was discussing this fact with a friend of mine and she says "yah it's meant to scare the hell out of you". I told her, "I've been in east harlem at 3 am by myself, it takes a lot to scare the hell out of me.".

I also told another friend of mine that he has approximately 48 hours to get re-acquainted with Jesus. It's crunch time now. Time to un-friend Lucifer on facebook and get serious.

As for me.....while I don't relish the thought of being in Dante's Inferno...I have always loved warm weather...

The Movies = Poverty

On Friday night my boyfriend and I went to the movies. My father had given me a 25.00 giftcard so we went to see Thor. The below are the two things I learned after purchasing the tickets:

1. I just bought tickets to a movie I have absolutely no idea what it's about

2. The movies are for rich people

Now I already knew that for 25.00 we could not get tickets, drinks, AND popcorn. But I thought we could at least get the tickets AND POPCORN.  As I walked up to the ticket counter I politely stated "two for Thor at 9:00" and the man responded something garbled into the headset thingy they wear (why do they wear the headset? is that thing even on?). I said "excuse me?" and while his response was still garbled I managed to make out "22.00". "Umm excuse me, 22.00?!?!". That is TWO dollars more than the last time I was there!  WTF?!? That will only leave me with 3.00 for popcorn. So that'll buy me....ohh....1/8 of a bag of popcorn!

I stomped off with my now 3.00 giftcard and up the stairs we went. I was still excited for my popcorn, although not nearly as excited as when I thought I was going to have FIVE dollars. We get up to the counter and I politely order a small popcorn, bottled water, and a box of goobers (those were for my boyfriend, I'm not a total fat ass). The man states "that'll be 13.75." Are you F-ing kidding me?!?!? I hand him my pathetic giftcard and he goes "that'll be 10.75". Oh wow, that really knocked it down. As we walked off I thought to myself "this better be the best damn popcorn and the best damn water and the best damn movie I've ever seen".

As I walked out of the movies the below occurred to me:

1. I just saw a movie that I am only 80% sure what it was about.
2. I am going to build a home theatre using K'nex and start acting out movies for my friends.

With gas at nearly $4.00 a gallon my friends aren't going to be able to GET to the movies much longer, much less buy anything more than 3 kernals of popcorn and a sip from the water fountain once they arrive....

RHONY

OK I admit it - I like bullshit, mindless television (this should come as a shock to no one since I want my own reality show).

Ever since the Real Housewives franchise started I have been a devoted fan (although I bowed out of Atlanta and stopped watching D.C a third of the way through). My favorite has always been NYC and even with the departure of Bethenny I have continued to watch. Last night however, the absurdity reached a whole new level. As Ramona and Jill got into YET ANOTHER fight  - Jill storms out only to then be seen in a car with her man friend - the "Countess"......She is balling and saying "she did it to me again".  Lady, unless she ran over your dog, shot your husband, or used the last syringe of botex there is absolutely ZERO reason to be crying in the car at 48 years old.

Although Ramona (and I do love her, especially as a fellow FIT grad) did come off as a complete wack-a-doodle. I mean it was HER party to celebrate the launch of HER wine. Yet there she is, picking fights. But I think she's one of those people that can only handle calm for so long...then she needs to stir that pot up.

Then to top it off Sonja bends over and shows her bruised ass to the world at her costume party.  You can't help but feel a twinge of pity for these 40 something's. But then you stop...look at their houses...their lack of a job...their designer duds and realize "shit, these women got it made". Plus they're allowing me to laugh AT them. That's awesome.

However, if you're going to show your ass to the world, for God's sake, make sure there isn't a bruise on it. I mean - have some class....

Ohh, but I do loooove me some crazies.

Attn: My employer

Please do not turn off the air at 5 pm when it's so humid and hot outside my hair is frizzing - - and I'm indoors.  This is TEXAS people.

I am sweating so bad I'm having to sit on napkins.

That's all.

Thank you.

Midgets

I love miniatures. Miniature food. Miniature clothes. Miniature animals. Miniature houses and most of all Miniature People.

Yesterday as I was pulling up to yoga a midget got into her car. I stopped. I had a euphoric moment of glee. I realized I was staring...and smiling....in a creepy "someone's gonna call the cops" sorta way. Now before I saw said midget, I was having the WORST day. Usually yoga makes me feel better..this time....no this time it was the midget. I could have turned right around and gone home and been happy as a fat kid with a cupcake.

If only the midget had been eating miniature food while riding a miniature horse...a girl can dream...

Facebook

These days EVERYHING is accessible on Facebook....People put where they work, their phone numbers, their addresses...pretty much they put everything but a status that says "please come rob me".

People write status updates about their political point of view - I don't care.

People tell you when they're eating a bowl of cereal - I don't care.

They tell you their religion, their activities, when they play them, where they play them, and with who they're playing them with. It's as if match.com, every school "club" and people's personal calendars have collided onto one site.

And yet....here I am...having just listed my favorite movies. Half of which don't even have real people. I also "liked" the Disney page, which was marked by an unsettling sense of euphoria. I assure you I'm not some loony toon with an affinity for children's movies...I simply...just love me some Disney-pixar.

To which - no one really cares.....you're a genius Mark Zuckerberg...No one can resist the temptation of the Facebook.

Crazy vs Crazy

The other night my boyfriend asked me "On a scale of 1 to 10 how crazy do you think you are?".

I told him, "4.7". However I quickly asked if that was with 10 being the highest and he said it was, but that if it was 1 then I'd be 5.3.

I was like "umm no I wouldn't, that changes everything. I'd then be more like a 7".

He just stared at me and said "that makes no sense".

Umm yes it does. I understand it perfectly.

Sorry I've been MIA...

but I just returned from the real MIA - Miami that is. The land of fist pumping, tanned bodies, and a place where even the mannequins in store front windows have giant fake boobies.

It was a fabulous vacation and one in which I just laid on the beach and read a book...and watched a woman with mosquito bite boobs dance around topless on the sand. Now last I checked being half nude on a public beach in Florida is considered illegal, but perhaps no one really noticed..afterall there wasn't much to notice. Although the image is forever burned into my retinas.

Or there was the obese woman in a blue bikini....nuff said on that one..let's just say, the bikini was hard to see. 

I know I will definitely make a return trip to Meee-aaaa-miiii, but perhaps next time I'll bring my own popcorn, because there is for sure a show to be seen....

Here Comes the Bride.....

OK so I really have no desire to get married. Maybe SOME-day, but definitely not TO-day. However, the other night the topic came up with my boyfriend, Dave. Why? Not really sure....but below is the conversation that ensued...

Me: I'd really want a band with diamonds all the way around.
D: Umm ok, or whatever I could afford.
Me: I don't want an ugly ring.
D: You're ridiculous. It's about the commitment between two people - not the ring.
Me: Ok, in that case then I'd rather have no ring than an ugly ring.
D: All the people I've known bought what they could afford and the other person took it.
Me: Right. OK. So will I...as loooong as it's not ugly. I just have to like it.
D: Well what don't you like?
Me: Would you like an itemized list?
D: You're ridiculous.
Me: Uh huh..no ugly.

At this point I could see the steam shooting out his ears. So I decided to call it and be like "I was only joking".

Luckily a screw from the kitchen scissors had come off and got stuck in the garbage disposal so he resumed talking to me in a normal tone....

But then I thought, "hmm...I wonder if he got it?". I thought about circling back just to make sure, but then I looked up and saw him holding the scissors he'd just fixed and decided....

maybe another time....

So TODAY was my Biometric screening day...

I also discovered there is a banana pudding ice cream. So last night everytime I planned to stop eating it I came upon another Nilla Wafer, which OBVIOUSLY I had to eat. 

   When I found out I had to have my waist measured and my weight taken a month ago I decided I needed to    go on a strict workout and diet plan. Unfortunately I forgot. Fail.


So this morning  I went in for my assessment and the guy tells me he's going to measure my waist. He asks me to put the measuring tape on my belly button and spin around. He then looks at the number, I firmly tell him to"please tighten it up" - I suck in. I'm panicking because I realize my shirt is slightly bunched in the back. He writes down the number. OH. MY. GOSH. Wrong. Then he tells me to get on the scale and that I can take my shoes off or leave them on. Umm take them off obviously! I get on, I look at the number. Damn you Nilla Wafers. I'm 4 pounds heavier than I anticipated. I think the scale is broken. Cheap piece of shit.

He then tells me "good numbers". Umm yah, whatever buddy. I  consider doing squats over to the table where I have to get my blood drawn. Instead, I've done my 5 minute booty blast routine twice in the handicap stall of the restroom today (gives me the space I need to do two sets of leg lefts and squats).

Could be worse though, the guy across from me had definitely had way more than just some banana pudding ice cream. Epic Fail.

This is Why I had SUCH a Hard Time Making Friends in College...

I moved to New York City when I was 18 years old to attend college. I lived in a dorm with 3 other girls (a compulsive exerciser, a crazy, and a c u next tuesday) and had been in my dorm for about a week when one night I decided to cook some fish...in a skillet...on the stove. I put in the vegetable oil and then let it heat. And boy did it heat. In my 18 year old brain time was merely a number, not a number worth watching very closely mind you. So when I put the fish into the SCORCHING hot oil it splashed up on my arms. And holy ball sack let me tell you how awesome that felt. I put on a brave face before deciding it was time to take me and my searing flesh to the medical center.  Sure enough I had second degree burns. So I got both forearms wrapped up and on my way I went.


I thought for sure people would asked me "what the hell happened to you?" when I went to class. But nope. No one did, not one person. Self-centered assholes.


Months and months...and months later I was talking to a girl from one of my first semester classes and mentioned something about burning my arms. She goes, "oh that's what you did? We all thought you tried to slit your wrists."


Awesome. Now I know why I was resorted to sitting next to the girl who ate her hair....

This Pretty Much Sums Up My Friday...

I just need ONE f-ing idea!

I am a DEVOUT watcher of all things Bethenny Frankel. I love her and am convinced we should be best friends. Her show the other night was about her and her husband visiting the bottling factory that Skinnygirl margarita (which is revolutionized my life by the by) is produced in. As she is sitting there just staring at the bottles go by she just keeps repeating "this all happened from just ONE idea. I just had an idea, and had no idea it would grow to be this".

In between my sips of my Skinnygirl marg I was yet again reminded that I have no ideas. I also don't have the time to have ideas. So after the show was over, I sat there, eyes closed - make that clenched and thought....and thought some more...nothing...crickets. Had I had too much to drink? No. That's not it. I blame my job for making me too tired to be creative, but I'm not even sure that's accurate. Just ONE idea. That's all I need.

The snuggie? Seriously? I thought of that when I was five, just had no idea there were enough lame-o's in the world to actually buy it. The cupcake phenomenon? Really? I can TOTALLY bake a cupcake. Shamwow? Done. Over 5 MILLION people bought pet rocks. My dog could have thought of that. Yet here I sit. Idea-less.

*sigh* One idea. Just ONE.

I really wish I could drink at work....

Hey! I wonder if that counts?

My Austin Endorsement...

Over the weekend we visited Austin, Texas. While there we went to the Trailer Park Eatery (perhaps the only time in my life I'll say "I cant wait to go to the Trailer Park!").  We had Torchy's Tacos (amazing) AND cake balls at Holy Cacao. And holy hell were they good!

I had wedding balls, chocolate balls, red velvet balls, carrot cake balls. So many amazingly delicious balls. I just KEPT eating them. The flavor was unparalleled, they were so saturated (or as my friends said "moist", but I hate that word and refuse to use it).  They had other flavors (peanut butter - which looked divine) and it was all served up to you from a trailer. No overhead = more money to invest in good ingredients (no one wants dried balls).

So the next time you're in Austin, I highly recommend eating the balls at the Trailer Park...

The Perks of Being the First Person to Get to Work...

1. I get a parking spot RIGHT NEXT to the door.
2. I can talk as loud as I want - no one's here to hear me.
3. When I hit refresh on my email, there are NONE because no one else is at work.
4. I can take my shoes off (although I'm 50/50 on how I feel about this).

and last but not least...

5. I'm the FIRST person to use the potty!!!!

It's the little things....no, you know what. THIS. IS. BIG.

...I think I might go back just so I can be the second person too...

I Feel Ya Clark W. Griswold

You know that scene in Christmas Vacation where Clark Griswold opens what he thinks is his bonus check only to discover he's been enrolled in the jelly of the month club? He proceeds to GO OFF on his boss using a litany of phrases and choice words.


That is EXACTLY how I feel every time some giant ignoramus driver either cuts me off, doesn't know how to merge on the highway, or pulls out in front of me and then proceeds to go 15 mph BELOW the speed limit.


The other morning when I pulled onto the street, I saw a car coming but I had MORE than enough time to pull out. However, once I did he was right on my ass and proceeded to flip me off. It wasn't even 9 am. My first inclination was to slam on my brakes, get out of my car and beat him to pulp. That would be totally irrational. So instead I just slammed on my brakes....and waved. Nothing pisses someone off more than if you wave at them as their tailgating you.  What are they gonna do? Continue to flip off a person waving at them? That's just stupid. 


And to all of those timid people who don't know how to merge on the highway, seriously just HIT THE F-ING GAS PEDAL. It's not a hard concept. I would prefer not to die on I-35 at 8 am on Tuesday. 


So to all of you bad drivers out there, I want to tell you what a....

• 
• cheap
• lying
• no-good
• rotten
• four-flushing
• low-life
• snake-licking
• dirt-eating
• inbred
• ignorant
• blood-sucking
• dog-kissing
• brainless
• dickless
• hopeless
• heartless
• fat-ass
• bug-eyed
• stiff-legged
• spotty-lipped
• worm-headed
• sack of monkey shit YOU ARE!…

I Am My Mother's Daughter

As I pulled through Sonic today for happy hour with a level of excitement that is equal to a fat kid getting a cupcake, it hit me "I am my mother". Not just similar. But her - 30 years younger....

• I get a euphoric high from saving money
• I save room at EVERY meal for dessert
• Dessert could BE the meal
• I print off coupons like it's my job
• I plan meals around what coupon I have (free chips and queso at Chili's? Don't mind if I do)
• I plan working out around hair wash days
• When I laugh I do so with my entire body - like limbs flailing, doubled over laughter
• I have a bag of m & m's at all times.

The below conversation occurred the last time my mom was in town with our dog, Hershey Kiss after I tried to give her a blue corn chip and she turned her head and walked away.

"Mom, Hershey just snubbed PEOPLE food"
"She doesn't like blue corn."
"You're kidding me."
"No, she's watching her figure."
"You're ridiculous."
"She has to maintain her figure for the boys."

Someone said to me the other day "I bet your mother is more sane than you are though".

I assure you...she is not.

My Biggest Fear - BUTTONS

Growing up I wore uniforms in school. Everyday when I got home I'd do airplane arms and have my babysitter or mother unbutton my shirt. The thought of touching them would make me cry. 

It was all I could do getting through the day without touching them. Or getting them wet. God forbid I spilled my drink on them.

                                               

                                                              NOT ok

When my school switched to the option of wearing the button down OR the school provided t-shirt I wore that t-shirt EVERYDAY. T-shirt all the way. 

In my last job I dealt with men's dress shirts. With certain vendors we could pick the buttons. Oh. My. Gosh. My own personal version of hell. Buttons would arrive at the office and I could feel the sweat beads forming on my head. Please, do NOT make me touch them. My boss used to threaten to hold a button up to my lip (if it's cool then it's mother of pearl and not plastic), it nearly did me in. I had a vendor who would routinely call me to discuss the buttons and I would routinely tell him to not call me about the buttons. Under no circumstance did I want to talk about them. 

I always thought I'd grow out of my fear of buttons. But here I am, nearly 25 and still not wearin em. I have one shirt in my closet with buttons...and in my closet it sits. It's no longer appropriate for me to do airplane arms, my boyfriend already thinks I'm strange enough. 

If you're wondering WHY I'm afraid of buttons, join the club. However, on the list of things for me to work through in therapy buttons is actually fairly low on the list. So, I think buttons may remain the great mystery of my life. 

OK

 However, someone told me the other day they're afraid of baby seals. What a weirdo.

Hide and Seek

When I was younger I used to think I was AWESOME at Hide and Seek. I used to play it at my grandmother's all the time.

Recently I was discussing my award winning H & S skills with my mom when suddenly I realized something. I used to stay hidden for sometimes close to a half hour....under a desk....without the chair scooted in. Sometimes I'D have to go FIND my grandmother. When I did she always looked rested...had her nails done. She totally wasn't even TRYING to find me. What a B.

Now for those of you thinking "oh how sad, I love my grandmother". Don't.

She once gave me a bag of oranges for my Christmas present. Oh sorry, she MAILED me a bag of oranges.

No wonder I have an aversion to Citrus.

The Bathroom

I'm never quite sure how to respond when I go to the bathroom and hear someone in the stall next to me farting it up. Like clearly they're having an issue. Then when they come out and we end up next to each other washing our hands and I find out who the culprit is my first instinct is to say "umm, are you ok? That sounded like something right out of the zoo?".

Instead I just avert my eyes and forever look at them as the pooper pounder.

I'm Still a Fugly Girl at Heart

Today when I got back from lunch one of the male models was outside and he asked me if I could let him in to the studio since our security guard was at lunch. I just smiled and nodded. He was so pretty. I was wishing I wasn't holding a too full target bag and my giant Sonic tea. I wanted to look graceful and chic. Instead I looked like a bag lady who has difficulty walking in heels.

I let him in and said "thank you". What?!? Why the F did I thank HIM? What was I thanking him for? Thank you for allowing me to let you in the door? Thank you for making me feel like the 9 year old girl with such big gaps in my teeth I could transform myself into the human water fountain?

Fail.

My Love Affair With Cupcakes

On Valentines Day in college one year the cafeteria made cupcakes and gave them out for free. I was in class when I found this out, but upon hearing this news I practically broke out in a dead run straight for them. I got downstairs and was relieved there were some left, I grabbed my cupcake. I was so excited. Free cupcake - my day is MADE.

I headed back upstairs to class, I was intently staring at my cupcake, careful not to drop it.  Then it happened.  I fell straight down the stairs, ate shit so hard I wasn't sure I still had teeth, but all I could think about was my cupcake. There it was. Smashed on the landing. But I didn't have time to mourn my loss. I heard people coming. 

On our way out from class we took the stairs, after a flight I saw it. The fallen soldier. A girl says "omg, who the hell smashed their cupcake?!?", "oh wow, I have no idea".

I silently shed a tear. I think it was chocolate.....